BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Hey, Steph Curry - try spinning ole basket-Bill on your finger.
(APPLAUSE)
KURTIS: I'm Bill Kurtis. And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.
(CHEERING)
PETER SAGAL, HOST:
Thank you, Bill. Thanks, everybody. Thank you so much. We have worked on this show all week, and frankly, I think it's going to pay off. Later on, we're going to be talking to Olivia Wilde, the well-known actress who just...
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: ....Directed her first feature film, "Booksmart." It's about two young women who at the last minute realize they have spent their entire high school careers studying and forgot to have any fun. The alternative title for this film - "Public Radio Hosts Present At The Creation."
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: We're trying to make up for that now, so join our desperate attempts to have fun by giving us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT - that's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant.
Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
GRACE WARREN: Hi. This is Grace. I'm calling from Montreal, Quebec.
SAGAL: Hey.
WARREN: You have a riotous crowd there.
SAGAL: We do. They are.
(CHEERING)
SAGAL: Yes. They're crazy - though perhaps you just not used to raucous enthusiasm in Canada.
WARREN: (Laughter).
SAGAL: But here...
WARREN: That's true. We take things easy.
SAGAL: Well, Grace, welcome to our show. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First, a comedian who'll be at the Houston Improv June 13 through the 15. And you can hear his new podcast Back To School With Maz Jobrani on iTunes, Spotify and anywhere podcasts are found. It's Maz Jobrani.
MAZ JOBRANI: Hi, Grace.
(CHEERING)
WARREN: Hi, Maz.
SAGAL: Next, a comedian performing at the Firehouse Grill in Evanston, Ill. June 13 and headlining the Comedy Bar in Chicago July 5 through the 7 - it's Adam Burke.
ADAM BURKE: Hello, Grace.
(APPLAUSE)
WARREN: Hello, Adam.
SAGAL: And finally, making her debut on our show, let's welcome a comedian whose Netflix special, produced by Tiffany Haddish and Wanda Sykes, comes out this summer. It's Aida Rodriguez.
(CHEERING)
SAGAL: So, Grace, welcome to our show. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you will win our prize - any voice from our show you might like for your voicemail. Are you ready to play?
WARREN: OK. I'm going to just - going to take a little breath here. OK, yes. Go.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: All right. Your first quote is from the president.
KURTIS: There were thousands of people on the streets cheering.
SAGAL: There were definitely not thousands of people...
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: ...In the streets cheering for the president where this week?
WARREN: I'm going to say London.
SAGAL: Yes, London, England.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: Very good.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: The president was in Europe to commemorate the 75th anniversary of D-Day. And while you might say that's a solemn occasion to recognize the sacrifice of our nation and our allies, the Trumps say, family vacation.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Everybody was there - Don Jr., Eric, Ivanka, that other girl. But...
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: They were all having such a good time. Don Jr. and Eric went for a pub crawl, but everybody waited until the fifth pub to tell them that you don't actually crawl.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Ivanka - and this is true - excitedly tweeted, quote, "en route to the Hague." Yeah, you are, Ivanka.
(LAUGHTER)
JOBRANI: Nice.
SAGAL: Technically...
JOBRANI: Wow.
SAGAL: Yes, you are.
BURKE: I was thinking that - about when Piers Morgan was interviewing Donald Trump. And I think, that's a great moment because that's two other people that don't have to talk to either Piers Morgan or Donald Trump.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Yes.
BURKE: You know what I mean? We get to section them off.
SAGAL: Yeah. It's sort of like the Iran-Iraq war of talk shows.
BURKE: (Laughter) Yeah.
SAGAL: Just let them deal with each other.
SAGAL: I do like, also...
JOBRANI: Hey, why've you got to bring Iran into this?
BURKE: (Laughter).
SAGAL: Sorry.
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: Yeah, that's what we're all wondering.
SAGAL: Yeah, I know. But you have to understand, President Trump, I don't think, actually likes being president - doing the job, you know, doing the meetings, making the decisions. He likes the pomp and circumstance. So he loved this state dinner they threw for him with the queen and the royal family. And we saw those pictures of him wearing that white tie and tails outfit. And it was weird that it fit so poorly because it was perfectly tailored for a 230-pound guy.
(LAUGHTER)
AIDA RODRIGUEZ: I'll tell you what I did love, though.
SAGAL: What?
RODRIGUEZ: It's, like, as a mom, you know those kids that come to your house that they're so bad, you're, like, they can stay for dinner, but they can't spend the night?
SAGAL: Right, yeah.
RODRIGUEZ: That's what they did to him at the palace, where they...
SAGAL: Yeah, true.
(LAUGHTER)
RODRIGUEZ: It's, like, he cannot spend the night.
SAGAL: Yeah. Past presidents on state visits have stayed at Buckingham Palace. They said, oh, no. It's under renovation. They have 130 bedrooms.
(LAUGHTER)
JOBRANI: Hilarious.
SAGAL: All right, Grace. Your next quote is someone on Twitter reacting to recent scientific news.
KURTIS: Thank God.
SAGAL: That was a reaction to news that what will end by 2050?
WARREN: Oh, geez. Climate change?
SAGAL: It's not so much that climate change will end. It's that climate change will end something else.
WARREN: Population growth.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Yeah.
BURKE: Yeah.
SAGAL: Yeah, I'm going to give it to you...
JOBRANI: Yeah.
SAGAL: Because basically, everything...
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: ...Will be over...
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: ...By 2050 - the whole world. You may have missed this because everybody was distracted by that hilarious video of the rescued hiker spinning underneath a helicopter.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Wasn't that great? But according to a study out of Australia, there is an excellent chance that human civilization will be over by 2050 - which is silly because human civilization already ended when we started using fried chicken as bread for our sandwiches.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: You may be wondering how these scientists - who are dead serious, by the way - can be so specific. The world ends precisely in 2050. That's because research has shown the world's warranty expires in 2049.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Did you guys see this? Did you guys notice this in the welter of the week's news?
RODRIGUEZ: Yeah. I got - I had reactions on Twitter because my response was, good.
SAGAL: Yeah, I know.
(LAUGHTER)
RODRIGUEZ: I was, like, we need a wash. I feel like I'm in a real bad game of "Sims" right now.
SAGAL: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Just we need to reboot.
BURKE: I love to think that when the world does end in 2050, all the "Game Of Thrones" fans will be, like, you had 8,000 years to come up with a good ending.
SAGAL: Yes.
BURKE: And this is the best you could do?
SAGAL: Honest to God.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: The news that the world would end in 2050 came out the same week Joe Biden announced his plan to reduce carbon emissions - and this is true - by 2050.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: He might need to massage that a bit.
JOBRANI: But didn't he get in trouble for that, too - the plagiarism thing, right?
SAGAL: Did he plagiarize something again?
JOBRANI: Yeah, they...
SAGAL: Oh, that old scamp Uncle Joe.
JOBRANI: They said that...
(LAUGHTER)
JOBRANI: They said that they basically took the verbiage from other climate researchers, and they didn't cite it. They just put it into the thing. So whoever was doing it basically just copied and pasted.
BURKE: I believe he stole his climate plan from the Book of Revelations.
SAGAL: Yes.
(LAUGHTER)
RODRIGUEZ: Oh, yes.
BURKE: That's the problem.
RODRIGUEZ: I feel like Michelle Obama is at home, like, I'm - oh, I'm so tired of these people 'cause...
SAGAL: Really?
RODRIGUEZ: Yeah. She wrote Melania's speech. She wrote Joe Biden's...
(LAUGHTER)
RODRIGUEZ: ...Climate change plan.
SAGAL: I know. Maybe she...
RODRIGUEZ: She wrote your intro.
SAGAL: She did.
(LAUGHTER)
RODRIGUEZ: Right, you know it. She's, like...
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Thanks a lot, Mrs. Obama. All right. Grace, here is your last quote.
KURTIS: If the FBI says it's deer hair, I guess that's it for now.
SAGAL: That was a man named Peter Byrne. He's 93 years old, and he's best known among his peers as one of the four horsemen of Sasquatchery (ph). He was talking to The Washington Post this week after the FBI finally released their top-secret files on what?
RODRIGUEZ: Wow. I have no idea.
SAGAL: You never heard of...
WARREN: Are we talking about Saskatchewan?
SAGAL: No.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: No, it's a reference to Sasquatch, also known as...
WARREN: As Bigfoot.
SAGAL: Yes.
KURTIS: Yes.
SAGAL: Bigfoot is...
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: ...The answer.
WARREN: Yay, Bigfoot. OK.
SAGAL: Back in the day, as I'm sure you know, the FBI used to keep surveillance files on all kinds of public figures. Why not Bigfoot? In fact, there's one theory that Bigfoot never revealed himself because he was afraid J. Edgar Hoover would reveal that he's been wearing an enormous back toupee.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: But for decades, there has been rumors that the FBI had tested a fur sample found in Oregon and discovered it was not from any animal known to man. But this week, they finally released the file, and it turns out that's true, as long as the man we're talking about had never heard of a deer because that's what it is.
(LAUGHTER)
JOBRANI: He waited 40 years, and it was, like, the answer's no. I mean...
SAGAL: Yeah, sorry.
JOBRANI: They could have at least, like, just for a minute been, like, you were right. It was Bigfoot. And then he's, like, yes. And they go, just kidding. It was a deer.
SAGAL: It was a deer.
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: Or waited eight years.
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: You know, he's 93. I'm just saying.
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: He's not going to be around forever. Just, yeah, yeah. Tests are still inconclusive.
SAGAL: Yeah.
BURKE: Hang in there.
SAGAL: Yeah, I know.
(LAUGHTER)
JOBRANI: Or on his deathbed, they've got to pay the guy to dress as Bigfoot.
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: Just have - he's got one massive pallbearer.
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: That must be your first job at the FBI. We're going to put you on the old Bigfoot case.
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: Forty years - we still haven't cracked it. Is it deer hair?
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Yeah. Bill, how did Grace do on our quiz?
KURTIS: Our guest from Canada did very well...
SAGAL: Congratulations.
KURTIS: ...3 and 0.
SAGAL: Well done, Grace.
(APPLAUSE)
WARREN: Thank you.
SAGAL: Thank you so much for joining us. Bye-bye.
(SOUNDBITE OF JOHN COLTRANE'S "GIANT STEPS") Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.