(SOUNDBITE OF BJ LEIDERMAN'S "'WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME!' THEME")
BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ-Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME!, the NPR news quiz. Hey, O.J., now that you're free, come find the real Bill-er (ph). I'm Bill Kurtis.
(LAUGHTER)
KURTIS: And here's your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.
(APPLAUSE)
PETER SAGAL, HOST:
Thank you, Bill. Thank you, everybody. Thanks, everybody. We have a great show for you today, particularly because of our guest, the TV satirist Bassem Youssef known as the, quote, "Jon Stewart of Egypt." Very proud to have him here. But first, I just want to share with you a story about solidarity.
A few months ago, a public radio reporter at a member station in Alaska just sent out a random tweet about how there were no forks at their office. How do you eat lunch? This week, NPR in Washington mailed them 11 forks.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Would Clear Channel do that? CNN? I think not.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: That's public radio family. We are special. No matter what we do, at every turn, our bosses in D.C. will do everything they can to fork us.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: But (laughter)...
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Give us a call to play our games before they fire me for that joke. The number is 1-888-924-8924. You can spell that 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME!
COLLEEN GOODHUE: Hi, this is Colleen Goodhue calling from West Lebanon, N.H.
SAGAL: Colleen Goodhue. Hello, Colleen. How are you?
GOODHUE: I am good. You?
SAGAL: I am well. Thank you.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Now, I don't think I've been to West Lebanon. But New Hampshire's so small, I've probably been near it. Where is it exactly?
GOODHUE: Right near where Dartmouth College is.
SAGAL: Oh, I see. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
GOODHUE: Good for me because I work there and go to school there.
SAGAL: Oh, that's exciting. What do you study?
GOODHUE: I'm getting my master's in liberal studies.
SAGAL: Liberal studies?
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: I mean, is this like, you know, like, studying Nancy Pelosi. What is that?
(LAUGHTER)
GOODHUE: It's an interdisciplinary and kind of self-directed study. I just started it. We'll see.
SAGAL: OK.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: I didn't know liberal studies were allowed in New Hampshire, actually.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Colleen. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, it's a comedian who's headlining at The Comedy Bar in Chicago August 4 through the 6. It's Adam Burke.
ADAM BURKE: Hello. Hi.
GOODHUE: Hi.
BURKE: How are you?
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Next, an author and humorist with the strength of ten authors and humorists, Tom Bodett.
(APPLAUSE)
TOM BODETT: Hello, Colleen.
GOODHUE: Hey, Tom.
SAGAL: And a comedian whose new book is "The Totally Scientific Study Of The Search For Human Happiness" and whose new podcast is Live From The Poundstone Institute, it's Paula Poundstone.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Well, Colleen, welcome to the show. You're, of course, are going to play Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis is going to read for you three quotations from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you'll win our prize, the voice of scorekeeper emeritus Carl Kasell on your voicemail. Are you ready to play?
GOODHUE: I am.
SAGAL: All right. For your first quote, please listen to someone talking about that famous meeting at Trump Tower with Russian operatives last year.
KURTIS: I just heard there was an email requesting a meeting. I didn't know anything about the meeting. It sounded like a very unimportant meeting.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Who...
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Who was being absolutely clear that he didn't know anything about a meeting that he knew was unimportant?
(LAUGHTER)
GOODHUE: Would that be the president, Donald Trump?
SAGAL: It would be the president of these United States.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: And brace yourself, it's Donald Trump.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: When we first heard about this meeting in June 2016, it was just Don Jr. and a Russian lawyer talking about adorable orphans. Then it turned out Jared Kushner and Paul Manafort were there and another Russian guy and a translator - and, we just found out this week, another Russian guy who specialized in money laundering and computer hacking.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: And that's not all. Turns out Vladimir Putin, the embalmed corpse of Lenin...
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: ...And, oh, look - Richard Simmons. There he is.
BODETT: Nice.
(APPLAUSE)
BODETT: And don't forget the Domino's delivery guy.
SAGAL: Exactly.
(LAUGHTER)
PAULA POUNDSTONE: You know, he said that it was very interesting when he talked to Putin at the previously undisclosed Putin meeting.
SAGAL: Yes.
POUNDSTONE: He said that mostly they talked about adoption.
SAGAL: Yes, isn't that funny? - he said.
POUNDSTONE: And - yeah.
SAGAL: He actually said, isn't that interesting?
BODETT: Yeah. He said...
POUNDSTONE: That's what he said. He kept saying it was interesting over and over...
BODETT: And then he said, yeah, yeah. That's the ticket, adoption. That's what we talked about.
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: Specifically, did he want Putin to adopt him?
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: But this - in this astounding interview with The New York Times, which was printed on Wednesday night, he started talking about his trip to France and how they visited Napoleon's tomb and about, well, Napoleon, you know, he didn't end up well. And he said something like, he invaded Russia, but he had some extracurricular activities, so it didn't go well.
BODETT: Yeah.
SAGAL: What in the world was he talking about?
(LAUGHTER)
BODETT: I don't know. Maybe it was...
POUNDSTONE: Soccer.
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: Yeah. One thing I loved in that interview - my favorite bit was when his granddaughter walks in...
SAGAL: Yes.
POUNDSTONE: Oh, yeah.
BURKE: ...And says hello and I love you, Granddad in Chinese, which makes her more qualified than Nikki Haley to be the...
SAGAL: Yes.
BURKE: ...U.N. ambassador.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: What was amazing was if you read the transcript, he's just getting into talking about Comey and the investigation into the Russia thing and how he might - how Comey was a liar. And he's just about to start saying something that could be very, shall we say, oh incriminating - when all of a sudden, the door flies open. And his granddaughter walks in.
BODETT: (Laughter).
SAGAL: You can read the transcript. So what I - the thing that Comey - you need to understand about is - oh, hello.
And you know that they were just outside...
POUNDSTONE: Yeah.
SAGAL: ...Listening...
BODETT: Yeah (laughter).
SAGAL: And you know that, like, Steve Bannon's on his headset going, now, now - deploy granddaughter. Deploy.
(LAUGHTER)
BODETT: Ahooga (ph), ahooga.
SAGAL: Ahooga.
(LAUGHTER)
POUNDSTONE: Every night before that kid goes to bed, they practice.
BODETT: Right.
POUNDSTONE: Remember, when Grandpa says Comey, that's when you go in.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: All right, Colleen. Your next quote is also from the president of the United States.
KURTIS: The Republicans never discuss how good it is. And it will get even better at lunchtime.
SAGAL: Now that was also the president, but this is back on Tuesday. He was not talking about, you know, afternoon delight with Mitch McConnell. He was claiming victory for something that had totally failed the night before. What?
GOODHUE: That would be the health care bill.
SAGAL: Yes, Trumpcare.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: Or...
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Or the Better Health Care Reconciliation Act or the Obamacare repeal and replace or (imitating EKG beeping then flatlining).
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: After being delayed and protested and changed and changed again, the Republican health care bill finally died on Monday night when four Republican senators said they wouldn't vote for it. At the end of the week, though, Republicans said they might take a vote on it anyway. The health care bill is the only thing that will not die as a result of the health care bill.
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: Shouldn't this bill have, like, one of those do not resuscitate?
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Yeah. Here's where I think, like, the writers of our reality are - need to be fired. So you may remember that when the House version of the bill at first failed, Donald Trump spent the day, instead of calling legislators or watch - monitoring the vote, they parked some trucks on the lawn of the White House. And he went out, and he sat in one of them, and he pretended to drive it.
POUNDSTONE: Oh, I remember that.
SAGAL: (Imitating vehicle engine revving). And on Monday, when the Senate health care bill was going down in flames, at least for the first time, he did it again.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: He sat in a fire truck in front of the White House and went (imitating vehicle engine revving, horn honking).
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Right?
POUNDSTONE: Have you seen him grocery shop?
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: No, I have not, Paula.
POUNDSTONE: He uses the little cart.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Yeah, with a little race car in it?
POUNDSTONE: Yeah, exactly.
SAGAL: Did - Melania puts him in front of the little race car and then pushes it?
POUNDSTONE: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
POUNDSTONE: Yeah. He usually has, like, some animal crackers. And he points to stuff...
SAGAL: That's saying something.
POUNDSTONE: ...That he might like to have.
SAGAL: Colleen, your last quote is a bunch of complaints from angry nerds this week.
KURTIS: Political correctness should not exist in space. Time travel is for men and men only. Nobody wants a TARDIS full of bras.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Those people, who for the most part wrote in to the BBC, were very upset that their favorite character, Doctor Who, will now be what?
GOODHUE: Peter, she will be a woman.
SAGAL: Yes, she will...
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: ...Be a woman.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: I should explain for those of you who were popular in high school. "Doctor Who"...
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: ...Is this long-running science fiction show on BBC. And the character, The Doctor, can magically, quote, "regenerate" whenever they want to switch actors. And after 12 different botched attempts, it finally worked right, and The Doctor is a woman. Of course, the male, geeky community went nuts, refusing to accept that their hero could be a heroine. They can believe in time travel and a race of genocidal robots...
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: ...Not that, though.
(LAUGHTER)
BODETT: Well, you have to look at it from their perspective which is, like, out of that little window in their parents' basement...
SAGAL: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
BODETT: ...Is that...
(LAUGHTER)
BODETT: ...Women are kind of scary. So they...
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: They are. They're scary.
BODETT: And when they look directly at you, you get the strange feelings.
BURKE: Yeah. She can't, like - every episode will be her trying to find a time where people are OK with the fact that she's a woman.
(LAUGHTER)
BODETT: That's great.
(LAUGHTER)
BURKE: No, it's not Nurse Who. It's Doctor Who, thank you very much.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Bill, how did Colleen do on our quiz?
KURTIS: Colleen was on the money. She got them all right.
POUNDSTONE: All right.
SAGAL: Congratulations, Colleen.
(APPLAUSE)
GOODHUE: Thank you.
(SOUNDBITE OF WARREN SMITH'S "UBANGI STOMP") Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.