GLYNN WASHINGTON, HOST:
Now, we're going to kick off today's show from the SNAP JUDGMENT LIVE! stage in front of an amazing Michigan audience. One of my favorite storytellers in all of the land, James Judd, is about to explain exactly who it is that he didn't know.
(SOUNDBITE OF SNAP JUDGMENT LIVE!)
WASHINGTON: He is a winemaker, an adventurer, traveler. He's an artist-in-residence at the All For One Festival. But most of all, he is from New York City, and he's very insistent I say that because he's not from the Bay anymore. We're very sad to lose him, but you get to hear him today. It is my distinct pleasure to introduce Mr. James Judd.
(APPLAUSE)
JAMES JUDD: Before I begin, I just want to take a moment to say how happy and grateful I am to finally be out here. I have been backstage wearing man-Spanx for two hours.
(LAUGHTER)
JUDD: Top and bottom, and it's killing me.
(LAUGHTER)
JUDD: I'm ready to begin.
(LAUGHTER)
JUDD: It was the first day of the last semester of the last year of law school, and 12 students have been chosen to participate in the New Hampshire criminal defense attorney training program. And I am one of them.
(LAUGHTER)
JUDD: And on the first day of class, our supervising attorney says that tomorrow, we are all going to meet at the Concord District Courthouse, where we are each going to be given our very own, real, live alleged criminal to represent on their first day of court. I know. It's huge.
(LAUGHTER)
JUDD: So the next day, I show up at the courthouse. I've got my blue pinstripe suit on. I've got my red tie. I've got my shiny, black shoes. I've got a briefcase filled with blank paper.
(LAUGHTER)
JUDD: And I walk into the courthouse, and my supervising attorney is standing there. And he hands me a case file the size of a phone book. And he says, you've got five minutes to get downstairs and interview your first client, and then you're going to represent her at her arraignment - go. And he leaves.
Now, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, now I know, now I know, now I know, now I know that I should have read the things-you're-supposed-to-know-on-the-first-day-of-court handbook that they gave us because as I'm racing down the stairs to meet my first client, I can't help but wonder, what exactly is an arraignment?
(LAUGHTER)
JUDD: I've got no idea. But you know what? I figure, I've seen a lot of "Law And Order." I'm going to fake it.
(LAUGHTER)
JUDD: So I go downstairs, and I meet my first client. Her name is Amy (ph). Amy is an 18-year-old female. She's been accused of beating up her roommate, also an 18-year-old female. Well, even though I have no idea what I'm doing, I take one look at Amy, and I think it's going to be fine. It's going to be fine. It's going to be fine because she's tiny. She is a teeny, tiny, little person. She can't weigh 90 pounds soaking wet. She doesn't look like she could hurt a fly, and she's adorable. She's got crazy purple hair and the raccoon eyes and all the piercings and the ripped-up clothes and the green tights and the big, black, clunky shoes. She looks like one of Santa's elves.
(LAUGHTER)
JUDD: And the worst part is that they have her handcuffed - these handcuffs on this tiny, little girl. And the handcuffs are chained to this metal bench that she's sitting on. And she's sitting there, shaking and quivering like a little, miniature greyhound.
(LAUGHTER)
JUDD: OK, I don't know what I'm doing, but at least I can say something to her. I can say something lawyer-like, something that will instill confidence in her in my ability to represent her in what must be a very frightening situation for poor, little Amy. So I say, hello, Amy. My name is James, and I want you to know that we here at the New Hampshire Public Defenders Office wish to do everything within our power to make sure that each and every customer is completely satisfied.
(LAUGHTER)
JUDD: Amy says, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. I know what you are. You're just a stupid law student, and you're not even a real lawyer. And I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.
(LAUGHTER)
JUDD: Holy cow, she doesn't need a lawyer. She needs an exorcist.
(LAUGHTER)
JUDD: And the worst part is now I can hear her. She's ripping that metal bench up off the floor. So I run to the door, and I'm banging on it and waving to the bailiff through the little window. Get me out. Get me out. I want to live. I want to live.
The bailiff comes. He takes Amy and I up to an empty courtroom, and we're seated at a big, long table sort of right in the front row. And we sit, and we wait. And then in comes a prosecutor. He looks mean. He's bigger than me, bald, purple suit, black shirt, green tie. I say, Amy, we're going up against the Riddler.
(LAUGHTER)
JUDD: The judge comes in. He looks really mean. And right away, the judge and the prosecutor start arguing back and forth about - I don't know.
(LAUGHTER)
JUDD: But whatever it is, it looks very exciting.
(LAUGHTER)
JUDD: There comes a moment when the courtroom goes silent, and I realize that all eyes are upon me. And the judge folds his arms, and he says, I'm just wondering whether or not there might be somebody else here in the courtroom today who might like to add a few words on behalf of the young woman sitting over there in the defendant's chair. Oh, I don't know, how about you? He points right to me.
(LAUGHTER)
JUDD: And he takes his little desk lamp, and he spins it around. He shines it right in my eyes. And I look into that light and I think, spotlight.
(LAUGHTER)
JUDD: I turn to him, and I say, your Honor, I object to this travesty of justice. And just then, the bailiff put something in front of me, and it takes my eyes a minute to adjust to what I'm looking at. And I realize that these are the pictures of the roommate that Amy is accused of beating up, and it's horrible. This woman is purple and bruised. I say, oh, my God.
(LAUGHTER)
JUDD: Did you do this?
(LAUGHTER)
JUDD: What is wrong with you?
(LAUGHTER)
JUDD: You can't hit a person like that. It's wrong. Am I right? Am I right? It's wrong.
(LAUGHTER)
JUDD: Well, I stand back up. I say a few other things. The judge bangs his gavel. It's a mess. It's so humiliating. And the prosecutor is snickering, and the bailiff is snickering. And Amy is foaming at the mouth.
(LAUGHTER)
JUDD: The judge says, listen, I've got to tell you, your argument is absolutely horrible. But I do have to admit that you do have some stage presence. I said, oh, my gosh, thanks.
(LAUGHTER)
JUDD: He bangs his gavel. He says bail is denied - bail. Well, the end of that story is, Amy was remanded to the care of the New Hampshire penal system, pending trial. But as the guards were wrapping those chains around her, we shared a little moment. Amy broke free from the guards. And she ran toward me, and she said - what she actually said was, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. You come anywhere near me, I will eat you.
(LAUGHTER)
JUDD: But what I feel she was trying to say...
(LAUGHTER)
JUDD: ...In that tiny, albeit violent, little mind of hers, was, James, wait. James - James, wait. Tell me, do we have a chance? And the bailiff led Amy, kicking and screaming, for the big steel door, her little, black fingernails snapping off on the door frame. And I called out after her, and in my very best lawyer voice, I said, hang in there, Amy. I'm going to be with you all the way through your trial and sentencing - bye-bye. Thank you.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
WASHINGTON: James Judd, from the SNAP JUDGMENT stage show. Original score written and performed by Alex Mandel and the SNAP JUDGMENT players, David Brandt and Tim Frick. When SNAP JUDGMENT, the "You Don't Know Me" episode, continues, someone likes mushrooms, and not on cheeseburgers. And what if you were raised by your own child? All that and more when SNAP JUDGMENT continues. Stay tuned. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.