For parents who lose a baby, the grief can begin almost as soon as they learn they are pregnant. A positive pregnancy test can bring plans, hopes and dreams for a child who has not yet been born. When that pregnancy ends, those hopes can disappear almost overnight.
“I just got a positive pregnancy test. I saw two lines. And then a week later, I found out that I was no longer pregnant,” said Heather Ecklund, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Bereavement Coordinator at CarolinaEast Health System. “And that grief is still profound and it's still heartbreaking because as soon as you see that, you've already got plans.”
Pregnancy and infant loss can happen through miscarriage, stillbirth or the death of a baby shortly after birth. And while family and friends may expect grieving parents to eventually move on, Ecklund says there is no timetable for grief. “There is no right way to grieve,” she said.
At CarolinaEast, Ecklund works with parents who are grieving losses that happened recently — as well as losses that happened decades ago.
“I have people who are reaching out to me for our ceremony that have lost a baby in the 80s and people that are fresh off of loss in the last year and everybody's grief is always completely unique.”
That grief can be particularly difficult because pregnancy and infant loss is not always something people feel comfortable discussing.
Ecklund describes it as a kind of catch-22: Grieving parents may want to talk about their baby, but worry about making others uncomfortable. Meanwhile, friends and family members may avoid bringing up the loss because they are afraid of saying the wrong thing or making the grieving parent upset.
“The catch 22 of, 'Well, they're not talking about it, so I don't want to talk about it, but I need to talk about it.' And the people around them don't want to talk about it because they don't want to say the wrong thing or say if, "I'm not talking about it openly, they don't want to make me upset by bringing it up.'”
Sometimes, even well-intentioned comments can make the grief harder. Ecklund remembers being told by a nurse after her own loss that she was young and could have more babies.
“‘You're so young. You can have more babies.’”
Her reaction was immediate. “I wanted to scream, ‘I wanted this baby. This is the baby I wanted.’”
For parents who have experienced a loss, milestones and holidays can also bring grief back to the surface. Mother's Day can be particularly difficult, especially for women who have lost a baby and do not have other children. CarolinaEast's bereavement program sends Mother's Day cards to everyone on its mailing list — a reminder that the babies who died are still remembered.
And the passage of time doesn't necessarily change that.
“It doesn't matter if it was six months ago or 40 years ago, you're still going to be sad,” Ecklund said.
She says acknowledging that grief can be important.
“Grief is really just love and you can't love anybody anymore to make up for a baby that's not here with you anymore.”
Remembering babies who are gone
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.
Each year, CarolinaEast Health holds a Pregnancy and Infant Loss Bereavement Ceremony to give families an opportunity to remember their babies alongside others who understand what they have experienced.
The hospital's 12th annual ceremony is scheduled for Thursday, Oct. 15, at Martin Marietta Park's Canal Shelter #2. Families can arrive at 6 p.m., with the ceremony beginning at 6:30 p.m. The event will also be livestreamed on CarolinaEast Health's Facebook page.
The ceremony includes candle lighting and the reading of babies' names. Ecklund says one of the most meaningful moments comes as the sun sets and musician Cindy Turco plays “Somewhere Over The Rainbow.”
Families hear their babies' names spoken aloud.
“Really healing,” Ecklund said.
For parents who have experienced pregnancy or infant loss, the ceremony is one way to acknowledge something that can otherwise be difficult to put into words: Their babies may no longer be here, but they have not been forgotten.
For more information or to register, call CarolinaEast at 252-633-8838.
Email Heather at hecklund@carolinaeasthealth.com to have a baby's name included in the ceremony.
**CarolinaEast is a supporter of Public Radio East
