BILL KURTIS, BYLINE: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT …DON’T TELL ME, the NPR News quiz. I’m Bill Kurtis and here’s your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago, Peter Sagal.
PETER SAGAL, HOST:
Thank you Bill. Thank you all so much.
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SAGAL: So as 2014 exits the stage, we thought we’d give it one last kick in the pants. This week, the stories we will remember from the year that was.
KURTIS: Next up, sportsball. We provide all the incisive coverage of sporting events you would expect from NPR, such as these stories from the winter and spring of this year about the Winter Olympics and the World Cup.
SAGAL: But we’ll start with a story of shame and dishonor for the steroid industry for getting themselves involved with this guy.
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CARL KASELL, BYLINE: I think that Major League Baseball has done me a big favor because I've been playing for 20 years without a timeout.
SAGAL: That was someone talking about how much he's going to enjoy taking 2014 off from his job. He doesn't have a choice. He's been thrown out after he was caught doping. Who was it?
MAX ROCKATANSKY: Oh gosh, it's not A-Rod?
SAGAL: It is A-Rod. Why wouldn't it be A-Rod? Yes.>>O’ROURKE: Because we suspect about 2,000 other baseball players are doping is why it might not be A-Rod.
SAGAL: But he's the one in the news this week.
LUKE BURBANK: Side note, if you want to know how much he doped, it's the guy who doesn't even know any baseball players' names just picked A-Rod.
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AMY DICKINSON: But you know what I love about his...?
SAGAL: What do you love?
DICKINSON: He just said, you know, hey, this is great. I have a year off. And he's a guy who sees the syringe as half-full.
(LAUGHTER)
DICKINSON: He's got a nice attitude.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Let this be a lesson to all of you aspiring athletes out there: Do not use drugs because after making $200 million, you might be forced to sit by the pool for a year before getting $50 million more. We also got this week to see all the evidence that had been established against him that he'd been using drugs. Major League Baseball said look, here's the guy who testifies that he provided A-Rod with performance-enhancing drugs for years. And A-Rod's response: Hey, you can't believe that guy. He's my drug dealer.
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SAGAL: One of the interesting things about this is it wasn't just drugs administered in such a way to increase performance but to evade testing. And so what would happen is - and they had this. They had endless texts between the drug guy, this guy named Bosch, and A-Rod, saying take this now, take this then. And one of the tests, this is true, Bosch says OK, I've got the drugs for you for today's game. And A-Rod texts back, and he says dude, do not call them drugs.
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SAGAL: Hey says we call them food, right, for plausible deniability. And Bosch is like OK, great, A-Rod. Hey, in about half an hour, I'll be over to inject your food into your butt.
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BURBANK: I mean, when - getting into the evidence, I mean, what the governmental body looking into it is saying this trumps Lance Armstrong in terms of...O’ROURKE: Right, which is saying something.
BURBANK: Like when Lance Armstrong is like whoa, dude...O’ROURKE: You're overdoing it.
SAGAL: You did what?O’ROURKE: That's kind of cheating.
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KASELL: Do not use on your face because it contains something very dangerous.
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SAGAL: That was what a reporter was told about the water in her hotel. Her hotel is one of the many venues apparently not ready for what big event?
ROBIN LEVINS: That would be the Olympics.
SAGAL: The Sochi Olympics, Yes, very good.
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SAGAL: As the 2014 Winter Games began in Sochi, Russia, the big opening ceremony on Friday revealed the theme of the games this year, it's “The Hunger Games.”
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SAGAL: Anybody who survives gets a medal.
TOM BODETT: It does, it makes you proud of our own country, I think, doesn't it, where you can get a clean, comfortable room for the lowest price of any national chain?
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SAGAL: Here's the crazy thing. These Olympics cost $50 billion. That's more than all prior Winter Olympics combined.
BODETT: Seriously?
PAULA POUNDSTONE: Wow.
SAGAL: Yes.
ROXANNE ROBERTS: And they probably spent, what, a couple million on the village?
SAGAL: Apparently when the media arrived in the week leading up to the games, their hotel rooms weren't ready, or they weren't finished, or they weren't working. You heard Carl talking about the water in one hotel. But don't worry, the Russian officials announced they are importing fresh clean water from West Virginia.
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POUNDSTONE: They didn't even take care of their own teams in the past. What are the odds of them taking good care of everyone's teams, you know? It's like when in your neighborhood there is the house where you hear a lot of screaming and, you know, there's beer bottles on the front lawn and stuff. You know, you don't trick-or-treat there. Do you see what I'm saying?
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SAGAL: For some reason, so much of this weird news coming out of Sochi has been about toilets. We saw the double toilet, one bathroom in a hotel that appeared to have two chest of drawers where the toilet should be, and then there was one bathroom that appeared to have, facing the toilet, a row of chairs for spectators.
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SAGAL: But no, it looks like, as appropriate for the Olympics, it looks like the judges' stand, perfect 2s all around.
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KASELL: Hot. Cool. Yours.
SAGAL: That is the official motto of what big international event that starts next Friday?
JOE PLATT: Is it the Winter Olympics?
SAGAL: The Winter Olympics, yes, in Sochi, Russia, very good.
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BODETT: Seriously, that's the motto?
SAGAL: Hot, cool, yours.
MO ROCCA: Hot, cool, yours?
SAGAL: You know what happened, they were working on the slogan, they had something great, and then Putin walks in and goes it's hot, cool, yours, done.
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SAGAL: But good news...
ROCCA: Hot, cool, yours. Sounds kind of gay.
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SAGAL: Well good news, everyone going to the Sochi Olympics, listen up. The mayor of Sochi has declared his town to be completely free of homosexuals. Now people have been saying what's wrong with this guy. He may be a bigot. But what if, perfectly nice man, he just has terrible gaydar?
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SAGAL: He walks around town, you know, taking in the day. It's like whoa, that guy must really like to work out. And look, that guy ran out of leather when he was making his pants.
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ROCCA: Remember when there were no gay people in Iran? I mean, there are gay bars in Tehran. Thursday night at Guyatollah's.
(LAUGHTER)
ROCCA: Rim shot, please.
BODETT: Does anybody remember what the motto of the last Winter Olympics was? I don't even remember...
FAITH SALIE: I think it was hot, cool, mine.
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ROCCA: Baby, it's cold outside.
SAGAL: Remember it was in Vancouver, Canada, so it was like oh, it should be good.
(LAUGHTER)
SALIE: Tune in, see what it's all about.
ROCCA: Oh no, we don't want a gold medal. You can have it.
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KASELL: The entire set was cleaned and sanitized.
SAGAL: The studio needed to be sanitized before Matt Lauer came in and took over for whom?
TRACY MORAN: For Bob Costas and his pinkeye.
SAGAL: Indeed, yes, Bob Costas.
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SAGAL: Every four years, we turn to the Olympics for drama, and the big drama of the 2014 Games in Sochi has been what is wrong with Bob Costas's eye?
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SAGAL: Was it pinkeye? Had he died during the 2012 London Games and was finally starting to rot?
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MAZ JOBRANI: They couldn't have done any, like, Hollywood effects or a blue screen or type of "Avatar" magic?
SAGAL: Like give him a cyborg eye?
JOBRANI: Something.
SAGAL: Or they could have spun it better in the marketing department. Oh, the reason his eye is closed is because it's a tribute to the ring that didn't open in the opening ceremonies.
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BRIAN BABYLON: I felt bad.
JOBRANI: Or you know what? They could have spun like you know what, secretly Bob Costas, his second job is like he's a daycare, he works in a daycare, and he's around a whole bunch of, like, you know, toddlers who have, like, germs and stuff.
BABYLON: You know what - go ahead.
O'CONNOR: Now it's so great because he can be the spokesman for pinkeye. You know, he can do pinkeye awareness events, have galas to raise money to combat pinkeye.
SAGAL: He can be to pinkeye what Katie Couric is to colon cancer.
O'CONNOR: Exactly.
(LAUGHTER)
JOBRANI: It always happens like that, though. Remember like picture day? Like that's when the pimple comes, right there. And this poor guy, four years. He could have gotten pinkeye for three years, and it happened this one...
BABYLON: He was in his dressing room for, like, hours, like not today, any day but today.
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SAGAL: Meanwhile, back on the slopes, things were not going well for the Americans. We were even getting beat in the sports we invented, like snowboarding and pairs figure-eating.
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SAGAL: And things were really tough for the snowboarders. Not only did Shaun White fail to win a third gold medal, his nickname The Flying Tomato was stolen by Bob Costas' eye.
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SAGAL: Brian, the World Cup started this week and like most Americans, I'm sure you were glued to your TV watching something else.
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SAGAL: But as the tournament began, one of the big debates among the teams was whether the players would be allowed to do what?
BABYLON: Give me a slight hint.
SAGAL: Well, they're only allowed to score on the field.
BABYLON: Oh, no - man - because it's party with the locals?
SAGAL: They're not allowed to have sex.
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SAGAL: Many teams banned their players from sexual relations for the duration of the tournament. Said the Mexican coach, quote, "If a player can't go one month without having sexual relations, then they're not prepared to be a professional player."
BABYLON: You going to say that to me in Rio? That's rude, bro.
SAGAL: The good news is is that means about 70 percent of our listeners are prepared to be professional soccer players.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Congratulations everyone. By the way, the coach of the U.S. team says his players are allowed to have sex, but they still won't be as good at it as the European players.
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KURTIS: He is the greatest American since Abraham Lincoln.
SAGAL: That little note was added to Mr. Brook's entry this week, after he helped his team a win a match where?
LENA THOMAS: Was it the World Cup?
SAGAL: Yes, it was.
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SAGAL: The World Cup.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Of football, of course. Everybody in America instantly became a soccer fan on Monday, after the U.S. defeated our archrival Ghana in our...
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: No, this is true. Most - this is true. Most Americans did not know that Ghana is legitimately our archrival in soccer. Most Americans didn't even know it was a country.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Our best guess? Ghana is an STD.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: We're not a global-minded people, is what I'm saying.
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SAGAL: But the team, of course - John Brooks is the guy who scored the go-ahead goal off his head - that's how they do. And there's guys on the team who nobody ever heard of. They're now national heroes. And they will be until they inevitably lose. They're like cicadas. They get to date supermodels and endorse sports drinks for one week.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: And then they die or go be famous in Europe, which is the same thing.
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SAGAL: Now you may have noticed that I predicted that the team is going to lose. And you may be like, how can you do that? Where's your national pride? Who says they're going to lose? I'll tell you who did - their coach did.
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SAGAL: Before the tournament, Jurgen Klinsmann, the German-born coach of the U.S. team, said they would not win the tournament. You can't do that. I mean, it's true, but you can't say it.
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SAGAL: Can you imagine, like, an American coach saying, well, we may be down, but we are also out. It is hopeless.
(LAUGHTER)
JOBRANI: Well, he's German. He's very philosophical. Maybe he's like...
>>O’ROURKE: Or just blunt.
JOBRANI: Yeah. He's probably in the locker room going you're going to lose, and you will die one day, too.
(LAUGHTER)
JOBRANI: But first, you're going to try. You're going to run for 90 minutes. And it's not going to be worth anything. You're going to die.
(LAUGHTER)
JOBRANI: But go out there and run because you're going to lose and die.
(LAUGHTER)
JOBRANI: That's his pep talk.
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SAGAL: Your first quote is actually a series of headlines about Uruguayan soccer star Luis Suarez.
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KURTIS: Chewy Luis and the blues. Holy Molar, says soccer Canada lawyer. There's no tooth to it.
SAGAL: Those are all references to Luis Suarez's hunger for victory in an opponent's shoulder at this year's what?
KING WIEMAN: The World Cup.
SAGAL: Yes, indeed.
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SAGAL: The World Cup.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Yay, Futbal Copa Mundial. This is the week that Americans finally joined the rest of the world and became soccer fans.
UNIDENTIFIED WOMAN #1: Futbal.
SAGAL: Oh, please.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Look, give us a little time, OK.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Look, if we had known there was biting in soccer, we would have started watching years ago.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: We love things with biting - "Twilight" movies, zombie movies, eating.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: After Luis Suarez of Uruguay bit an Italian opponent in the shoulder, two things happened. Suarez was thrown out of the rest of the tournament, and the player he bit turned Uruguayan.
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ROBERTS: (Laughing).
BURBANK: The most amazingly soccer-y part of this whole event was that after he clearly bit this guy - and I'm not kidding. He fell to the ground and held his mouth like it had been hurt.
SAGAL: Well, it had been actually. Because what happened was he bit the guy, and the guy being bit elbowed him in the mouth.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: As one might naturally do upon being bit.
ROBERTS: And we know shoulder meat's pretty tough.
SAGAL: That's true.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: I want to ask you, is soccer not the most gorgeous male sport there is?
UNIDENTIFIED WOMAN #2: Yes.
SAGAL: These guys are cute.
SHELBY FERO: They're sinewy.
SAGAL: They're sinewy. There are - I mean, Ronaldo. I am now gay 'cause I have watched Ronaldo...
(LAUGHTER)
BURBANK: Yeah.
SAGAL: ...Play soccer. I mean, it just happens. Like, OK.
ROBERTS: It's like I'm gay now, too. I became a male and then I turned gay for Christiano Ronaldo.
(LAUGHTER)
BURBANK: But, I mean, they're physically so impressive. And then every time they score a goal, they become furious at their jersey.
(LAUGHTER)
BURBANK: Like it gets...
SAGAL: Damn you. Get this off of me.
BURBANK: And then their beauty is even more on display. And then I'm like, you know what, hold the second order of wings...
(LAUGHTER)
BURBANK: ...Because I see what it's supposed to look like when you're a hot dude, and...
ROBERTS: Do you think...
(LAUGHTER)
BURBANK: ...It's not happening in this Applebee's.
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC) Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.