'Wait Wait' for Oct. 9, 2021: Ilana Glazer plays Not My Job

Oct 9, 2021
Originally published on October 13, 2021 10:47 am

This week's show was recorded remotely with host Peter Sagal, official judge and scorekeeper Bill Kurtis, Not My Job guest Ilana Glazer and panelists Helen Hong, Adam Burke and Roxanne Roberts. Click the audio link above to hear the whole show.

Andy Ryan / Andy Ryan/Amazon

Who's Bill This Time
Social Media Meltdown; A Really Off Offshore Bank; Child's Play for Netflix

Panel Questions
The Family Business Gets Too Young

Bluff The Listener
Our panelists tell three stories about adults playing children's games, only one of which is true.

Not My Job: We Quiz Ilana Glazer On Donuts
Ilana Glazer shot to fame as the co-creator and co-star of Broad City. She now has a new comedy special about life during the pandemic in New York City. Since she's a Glazer, we thought we ask about the things that get glazed: donuts.

Panel Questions
Turning on The Swift Signal; More Proof You Should Proofread; Baggy Pants Forever!

Bill Kurtis reads three news-related limericks: Why Did The Californian Cross The Road; This Year's Mustn't Have Halloween Costume; One Man Boldly Goes

Lightning Fill In The Blank
All the news we couldn't fit anywhere else

After the success of Squid Game, our panelists predict what Netflix's next big hit will be.

Copyright 2021 NPR. To see more, visit https://www.npr.org.

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON: The following program was taped before an audience of no one.


BILL KURTIS, BYLINE: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Hey there, Joe Manchin. Vote for me, and I'll be your infrastructure bill - Bill Kurtis. And here's your host, a man who didn't actually read the invitation, and now he's the only one not in black tie. It's Peter Sagal.



Thank you, Bill. And thanks to everybody clapping along with the fake applause to be polite. We have a rollicking hour of entertainment ready for you, so impressive that it is actually a question whether our conversation with Ilana Glazer, star and creator of "Broad City," will be the best thing in it. It is a bold claim. I know. There's only one way to find out, so get us started with a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924.

Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME!

COLE: Hi. This is Cole (ph) calling from Stowe, Vt.

SAGAL: Oh, Stowe, which is a great ski area. What do you do there?

COLE: I am a cheesemonger.

SAGAL: You are not.

COLE: I am, indeed.

SAGAL: You are. And how did you find your way into the business of cheesemongering?

COLE: I'm going to say it again - Indeed. I saw the job listing online and thought it sounded really interesting.


COLE: So here I am.

SAGAL: Yeah. So how exactly does one monger a cheese?

COLE: It's a long and challenging process. It can be quite painful, too.

SAGAL: (Laughter) I imagine. Gosh. Well, let me introduce you to our panel, Cole. First, he's a stand-up who will be headlining CG's Comedy Club in Bolingbrook, Ill., November 12 and 13. It's Adam Burke.


ADAM BURKE: Hello. How are you?

COLE: Good. How are you?

BURKE: Good.

SAGAL: Next, she's a feature writer for The Washington Post. It's Roxanne Roberts.


ROBERTS: Hello, Cole.


SAGAL: And finally, a comedian who hosts the trivia podcast "Go Fact Yourself" and has a YouTube channel with her parents called Old Korean Dad Stories (and sometimes Mom) - it's Helen Hong.


HELEN HONG: Hey, cheesemonger.

COLE: Hello.

SAGAL: Cole, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis is going to read you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you will win our prize - any voice from our show you might choose for your voicemail. Are you ready to play?

COLE: So ready.

SAGAL: All right. Here we go. For your first quote, here is Mark Zuckerberg expressing something like the human emotion of regret.

KURTIS: Sorry for the disruption today. I know how much you rely on us.

SAGAL: Zuckerberg was sorry for what going down for six whole hours on Monday?

COLE: Facebook.

SAGAL: Facebook. Yes.


SAGAL: On Sunday, "60 Minutes" ran a huge expose on how awful Facebook is, and I'm sure it was just a coincidence the next day, Facebook shut down for six hours. Users had to scramble to find something to do on their phones other than Twitter, Snapchat, TikTok, YouTube, Tumblr and - God have mercy on our souls - LinkedIn. It was tough. All of a sudden, we had to engage with the world around us. Like, did you guys know about birds?


SAGAL: And here's a twist. It turns out I have a baby son.


HONG: I don't even use Facebook anymore, but I didn't realize how addicted I was to Instagram, which also went down.

SAGAL: That's the thing, yes. You didn't know Facebook owns Instagram.

HONG: I had to resort to reading the back of the Lysol spray on the toilet. Like...

SAGAL: I know. And, God, no, what are you supposed to look at when you're watching TV with no Instagram?

HONG: Geez Louise.

BURKE: I think they need to just start putting angry posts on the back of products just so that we don't feel alone anymore - just nonsense conspiracy theories on the back of a box of Wheaties.


SAGAL: It's like, oh, my God. Count Chocula saying, hey, kids, have you ever tried ivermectin?


ROBERTS: I spent the first hour assuming that I had made some sort of technological mistake.


ROBERTS: When it comes to technology, I always assume it's my fault if something bad happens.

BURKE: I really hope that the cause of the outage was an older person, and then a younger person had to come and show them how to use it because there's nothing more Facebook than that.

SAGAL: It's true.


SAGAL: All right - moving on. Here is your next quote.

KURTIS: Who needs the Cayman Islands and Switzerland when you've got South Dakota?

SAGAL: That was CNBC analyst Dominic Chu reacting to a report this week that rich people all over the world are turning to South Dakota as a place to hide their what?

COLE: Their money.



SAGAL: Move over, Cayman Islands. Stand down, Switzerland. The hip, new, cool place to stash your ill-gotten gains is the sovereign state of South Dakota. It's really surprising. We thought South Dakota amassed all that wealth just selling I Went To Wall Drug bumper stickers.


SAGAL: But according to a new cache of leaked documents called the Pandora Papers, South Dakota passed laws over the last decade making it a lot easier for wealthy people to shelter their money from taxes there. But it only took off when they passed another law saying you don't actually have to go there to do it.

BURKE: (Laughter).

HONG: I - where do they hide the money? You can't even dig a hole in South Dakota without it being visible for, like, 3,000 miles.

SAGAL: Yeah.

HONG: Like, it's so flat.

SAGAL: The sightlines are pretty long out there.

HONG: Yeah.

SAGAL: It's true. Well, what it is are these very complicated trusts that allow people secrecy and privacy. I mean, we usually think of, like, Swiss bank accounts for this. And they, of course, have become the ultimate status symbol. But imagine a supervillain demanding the government wire $10 million to his numbered account at the Pioneer Bank & Trust in Rapid City.


BURKE: I guess that does explain all the tricked-out John Deere tractors you see in South Dakota with, like...

SAGAL: That's true.

BURKE: ...Gold-plated rims and $9,000 sound systems.


HONG: The farmers wearing Yeezy.

BURKE: Yeah. Which one is Rushmore in? Is Rushmore in South Dakota?

SAGAL: Rushmore is, in fact, in South Dakota.

HONG: Yes.

ROBERTS: Yep. Yep.

BURKE: So is Lincoln's head just full of cash? Is Lincoln's head...

SAGAL: No, but he now has a pair of diamond earrings, so obviously something's going on.


HONG: What is South Dakota known for other than Mount Rushmore? What do they do there? Corn or...

SAGAL: Basically, at this point, Mount Rushmore, the Crazy Horse monument and COVID. And now trusts, right?

BURKE: They're the world's leader in underground lairs.


SAGAL: Now they are. All right. Cole, your last quote is from the most popular original show ever on Netflix.

KURTIS: Green light, red light.

SAGAL: Bill was right there imitating this lovable giant doll playing a delightful children's game in what Netflix smash hit?

COLE: Oh, "Squid Game."

SAGAL: "Squid Game."


SAGAL: Yes. Yes, "Squid Game." "Squid Game" is this Korean TV show that launched in September on Netflix and, in weeks, became the system's most popular show ever, which is a little strange because unlike its other popular shows, it has no British people baking cakes or embarrassing the monarchy. It's about a group of desperate people, if you haven't seen it, and they're forced to play children's games for a chance to win millions of dollars. But if they lose, they die. Everybody loves the show except for the poor fools who thought it was a sequel to "My Octopus Teacher."


HONG: I'm fighting watching it, Peter.

SAGAL: Why are you fighting watching it? Why don't you want to give in and be part of the cult?

HONG: I'm probably the only person on planet Earth who hasn't watched it because I grew up in a Korean household, and I don't need to hear any more bloodcurdling screaming in Korean ever again.


HONG: I just don't. I've had enough of that.

SAGAL: I would be - I mean, I love hearing your stories of what it's like to grow up in a Korean first-generation American household. But I don't think it was that terrible, despite all your stories, as it is on "Squid Game," just saying.

HONG: (Laughter).

SAGAL: I don't think - I hope not. I'm impressed that you're here if it was, I guess.

HONG: There was less hopscotch at my house.


BURKE: I will say, you know, people keep talking about it's a series of terrifying kids' games, but it doesn't have, like my least favorite kids' game, which was no one talk to the weird Irish kid.


SAGAL: I was about to say, the show, among its other pleasures, really has validated those of us who were never invited to play kids' games when we were kids.

BURKE: (Laughter) Right.

SAGAL: People are trying to come up with reasons for why this show, out of all the TV shows in the world, has become so popular so quickly. It's a brutal expose of capitalism. It's a show that reflects how we live now - locked inside, wearing sweats, in a constant state of terror. I mean, really, it's the closest thing we'll ever get to seeing every dude in "The Bachelorette" die at the end.


BURKE: Helen, how do you feel about the irony that Korea's No. 1 most lucrative export is blistering takedowns of capitalism?

HONG: Yeah. It's - my mom wouldn't agree. She'd be like, so are you going to law school or what?


BURKE: Is that the No. 2 reality show in Korea?

HONG: Are you going - no. No. 1 is are you going to med school or what?


SAGAL: Bill, how did Cole do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Cole did very well. You got them all right, Cole. Good going.

SAGAL: Congratulations. Well done, Cole.

COLE: Oh, thank you.

SAGAL: And good luck with the mongering cheese.

COLE: Thank you so much. Yeah, it was a joy to be on the show. And, Peter, my mom loves you, and she says hi.

SAGAL: Thank you. I appreciate it. Take care.


SAGAL: OK, panel, now some questions for you from the week's news. Helen, The Wall Street Journal reported this week on a legacy industry that is plagued by bad management practices, elderly CEOs who refuse to step down and millennial employees who just won't get off their phones and put in the work. What's the business?

HONG: Public radio?



SAGAL: We are flawless. We are managed by enlightened, enlightened, forward-thinking people, many of whom are listening to this show right now.

HONG: I'm going to need a hint, Peter.

SAGAL: All right. (Imitating Don Corleone) I'm going to text him an offer he can't refuse.

HONG: Oh, is it the Mafia?

SAGAL: It is, in fact, the Mafia....


SAGAL: ...The mob.

BURKE: (Laughter).

SAGAL: Court documents filed in a case against the Colombo crime family show that the current boss of the family, Andrew Russo, refused to retire, even though he's 87 and losing it. And on top of that, he's a micromanager - like, no, don't take all the cannoli, just the chocolate ones.

HONG: (Laughter).

SAGAL: According to these documents, the younger generation of criminals apparently just don't get it. Older members of the Mafia are complaining that millennial mobsters are too soft. You know, no matter how bad they are at being gangsters, they always get mailed a participation thumb in the mail.


ROBERTS: But wasn't also the complaint that they spend too much time texting?

SAGAL: Yes. Yes, the mobsters...


SAGAL: ...Like these kids, they're always on their phones. One of the - there's a Colombo mobster who was actually charged - this is true - with threatening a union official by sending him text messages. This is a quote, hey, this is the second text. There isn't going to be a third.


SAGAL: True.

HONG: No, that's...

SAGAL: I mean it...

HONG: ...So much less menacing.

SAGAL: I know - definitely. It's not really like, you know, pliers to the fingernails, you know what I mean?


ROBERTS: And what if they text like - you know, you text to the wrong person? And it's like, oh, sorry, mom, I didn't mean that for you.


BURKE: That text I just send you, please forget about it, whatever you do.

SAGAL: And how do you threaten people? You know, it's like, oh, shame your Instagram Live didn't get as many viewers as it usually does.


SAGAL: Coming up, put a ring around our rosie (ph) in our Bluff The Listener game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play. We'll be back in a minute with more of WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME! from NPR.


KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME!, the NPR news quiz. I'm Bill Kurtis. We're playing this week with Roxanne Roberts, Adam Burke and Helen Hong. And here again is your host, a man who, just like the rest of us, puts his pants on two legs at a time - Peter Sagal.


SAGAL: Thank you, Bill. Right now, it is time, once again, for the WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME! Bluff the Listener game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game on the air. Hi. You are on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME!

HARRISON DAVIS: Hi. My name is Harrison Davis (ph), and I'm calling from Polson, Mont.

SAGAL: Wow. Where's Polson?

DAVIS: Polson is about an hour north of Missoula, right on the south edge of the Flathead Lake.

SAGAL: I actually know that part of the country, and it is fantastically beautiful. You are lucky to live there. What do you do there?

DAVIS: So I just moved here about two weeks ago, and I'm a judicial law clerk for one of the judges.


HONG: Fancy.

SAGAL: So OK - so are you out there dealing with, like, frontier justice and stuff?

DAVIS: I think it pretty well-settled law, but it's been a real frontier experience for me right out of law school - new to me.

SAGAL: All right. Well, Harrison, welcome to the show. You're going to play the game in which you must try to tell truth from fiction. Bill, what is Harrison's topic?

KURTIS: Red Rover, Red Rover, send a grown man right over.

SAGAL: Thanks to "Squid Game," the world is now obsessed with the idea of adults playing kids games - somewhat murderous ones. But for those of you who don't like blood with your innocent fun, we've got a great story for you from this week's news. It's about another kid's game, being played quite seriously by actual grown-ups. Our panelists are going to tell you about it. Pick the one who's telling the truth. You'll win the WAIT WAITer of your choice in your voicemail. You ready to play?


SAGAL: All right. First, let's hear from Helen Hong.

HONG: A Silicon Valley tech startup has an unusual way of conducting job interviews - with thumb-wrestling. If you want to get a job at Thumbio (ph), a 2-year-old startup based in Los Gatos, Calif., you better warm up those thumb muscles. Thumbio's founder and CEO, Janus Hottermeier (ph), is an avid thumb-wrestler and has competed at the World Thumb Wrestling Championships, where the matches take place inside a tiny handheld boxing ring.

(As character) You can learn a lot about the character of a person by their thumb-wrestling technique. Do they cheat by lifting their elbows? Do they wear distracting watches or bracelets? I like to weed out potential candidates who cannot survive at least 10 seconds in the ring. After all, this is a digital world.

Things are going smoothly. And he reports his staff, entirely composed of fourth-grade bullies, is doing surprisingly well.

SAGAL: A Silicon Valley tech startup interviews using thumb-wrestling to see who can cut that mustard. Your next story of a game all grown-up comes from Roxanne Roberts.

ROBERTS: September's mayoral election in Prudock (ph), Belarus, was a lively contest. 10 candidates, but none received enough votes to win the seat outright. To avoid a costly runoff, the town of 776 people came up with a cheaper way to decide the race - musical chairs. Last Sunday, the aspirants gathered in municipal hall and signed off on the rules - side chairs instead of stools, shoes or sneakers, but no boots, and winner takes all, reports the BBC. It was outgoing mayor and music teacher Vlaksov Stenlyczak (ph), who played snippets of "Another One Bites The Dust," "I Will Survive," and "Drobna Drabnitsa," one of the country's favorite drinking songs, as players were eliminated one-by-one. The final two people circled the last chair for 45 seconds before Gasko (ph) drove past Prosenic (ph) and secured the four-year term, telling the BBC, "We recommend this method for all democratic elections. There are no recounts in musical chairs."

SAGAL: Musical chairs being used to settle an election in Belarus. Your last story of a kid's game for former kids comes from Adam Burke.

BURKE: Pillows - they're for more than just screaming into or for Mike Lindell to make a fortune from. Take Japan, for instance, where the popular childhood pastime of smacking your sister in the head with three pounds of goose down has just been elevated to the level of a professional sport, with the All-Japan Pillow Fighting Championship debuting in 2014. The finals take place in the Japanese town of Ito and features dozens of teams of all ages competing for a grand prize of 100,000 yen, which translates to about $915, or how much money MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell will have if he loses his case against Dominion Voting Systems.

The rules of the competition are both straightforward and bizarre, with each team pretending to be asleep until a whistle is blown, upon which each crew attempts to bean as many of their opponents as possible. One player attempts to protect his teammates with a blankie, like a sort of riled-up (ph) Linus from "Peanuts." The main goal is to hit the other team's captain, at which point the round is over - completely and unequivocally over, just like the 2020 U.S. presidential election.

SAGAL: All right. One of these was a real story we found in the news about a kids' game being played by grown-ups for one reason or another. Is it from Helen - a Silicon Valley tech startup, in which the executive insists on thumb-wrestling all potential hires? From Roxanne Roberts - a town in Belarus where they couldn't solve an election through any means other than a high-stakes game of musical chairs, or for Adam Burke - pillow fighting becoming a professional sport in Japan - which of these is the real story of a children's game played by grown-ups?

DAVIS: Well, the law on musical chairs is not quite settled. That's frontier law. So I'm not going with that. But I'm going to go with Adam's story and the pillow fight. I feel like that's more, I don't know, realistic (laughter).

SAGAL: All right.

BURKE: (Laughter).

SAGAL: You're choosing Adam's story of professional pillow fighting leagues in Japan. Well, we spoke to somebody who knows a lot about this particular pastime.

BILL TSUTSUI: The All-Japan Pillow Fighting Championship has been held just southwest of Tokyo.

SAGAL: That was a Bill Tsutsui - he's a Japanologist and the president of Ottawa University - telling us about professional pillow fighting...

DAVIS: (Laughter).

SAGAL: ...In Japan. Congratulations. You got it right. You earned a point for Adam simply for telling the truth in a pointed way.

BURKE: (Laughter).

SAGAL: And you have earned our prize - the voice of anyone you might like for your voicemail.

DAVIS: It's been a lot of fun out here on the frontier and being here with you guys. Thanks.

SAGAL: Oh, it's been terrific to have you. Good luck out there. That's great. Good for you.

DAVIS: Well, take care.

SAGAL: You too.

ROBERTS: Have fun.


SAGAL: And now the game where people we really like come on to do things we aren't sure they will like. It's called Not My Job. So Ilana Glazer met Abbi Jacobson, and they immediately hit it off. They started a web series called "Broad City" about themselves and their lives in New York, exaggerated, they say, maybe 15% over reality. It became a viral hit, was picked up by Comedy Central, where it became a phenomenon. Ilana Glazer now has a Comedy Central special about comedians in New York surviving the pandemic. She joins us now. Ilana Glazer, welcome to WAIT, WAIT... DON'T TELL ME!

ILANA GLAZER: Hi. Thank you so much for having me. I'm thrilled to be here.

SAGAL: I am delighted to have you. I'm a little nervous because I've watched your TV show, and I don't know what you're going to do. So let me just ask about that 15% figure, which is, I've heard, what you and Abbi like to say in terms of the relationship of "Broad City" to your actual lives.

GLAZER: That is so - that's tripping me out because I'm like, we kind of figured out that sort of idea as a way to cope with the disappointment of the gap between our characters and ourselves when people met us. They're like, you're not, you know, whatever, entertaining me. I mean, like, it's like, the idea was, like, the 15%, my most insane 15% blown up to the full 100.

SAGAL: Right.

GLAZER: And it's, like, just a really carefully crafted version of ourselves that, especially, as time goes on, I'm less and less like, I guess. Or it's, like, really smoothed and softened as I get old.

SAGAL: Right. I know it began - you met - if I'm not mistaken, you guys were at NYU together.

GLAZER: Oh my gosh, no.

SAGAL: Oh, excuse me.

GLAZER: This was, like, totally outside of NYU, I guess - oh, my gosh - because NYU as an entity is so complicated and problematic. And also, I, like, barely got in in order to do comedy, and Abbi had finished school and moved to New York after to become an actor. And we, like, were, like, trying to be in the UCB scene. And it was like, so - there was such a track there that we just could not get on. Tried to be a part of it and nobody wanted either one of us. So we met, like, outside of that in, like, indie improv is what it's called. Oh, my God - to revisit this.

SAGAL: Everybody, I want to talk a little bit about you and Abbi. One of the things that I constantly heard from fans of "Broad City" was they loved how much, frankly, you and Abbi or Ilana and Abbi love each other - that is, like, this incredibly close, healthy, uncomplicated female friendship. And it just makes me - and I've also read that that actually reflects your relationship. When you met, was it, like, a meet cute? Were there, like, doves in the air? Did hearts come from your heads? I don't know what it was like.

GLAZER: Well, it's funny that you say, like, uncomplicated female relationship because I'm like, it was complicated for us. Like, everyone was like, are you best friends? Are you best friends? Is it - is it - are you making it up on the spot? We're like - how much can I curse on this?

SAGAL: You can curse as much as you want.

GLAZER: We were like, [expletive].

HONG: (Laughter).

GLAZER: This is not reality TV. This is so gorgeously crafted that you think it's on-the-spot made-up. You know, like, it was so - and everybody around us is a 40-year-old guy, 45-year-old guy, 50-year-old guy. I'm doing sex scenes and, like, jumping up, telling people what to do in my freaking underwear. It's like, it was so complicated. And, you know, I think when you - when we distilled the love, that was simple. When we first met, it totally was a meet cute. So it felt like caring for our audience to let it be so simple. Let it be so pure.

SAGAL: Now, your new special on Comedy Central, "Comedy On Earth" - this might surprise people, but it was influenced by Carl Sagan, right?

GLAZER: Yes. I love "Cosmos." I love Carl Sagan. I love that he, like, wrote "Contact." He was like, no, I can be a fiction writer. And, like, I find Carl Sagan to be so comforting, even though he's like, there are extraterrestrials. It's like, (vocalizing). But there's, like, something comforting about his welcoming of them.

SAGAL: True story. Carl Sagan - huge pothead.

GLAZER: Duh. I mean, no offense but duh.

ROBERTS: (Laughter).

HONG: Wait. Peter, you know this for a fact? You know these...

SAGAL: Oh, yeah.

HONG: Yeah. OK.

SAGAL: I mean, I don't know the man, but I have read this about him.

GLAZER: I mean, huge psychedelics user for sure. You know, you don't welcome aliens without a little mushrooms.

ROBERTS: (Laughter).

SAGAL: So weed plays a big role in "Broad City" - I'm assuming maybe in your real life as well. Is it true you were in an anti-drug group in high school?

GLAZER: I was in an anti-drug group in high school. It was somehow, weirdly, the cool thing. Not even the cool - it wasn't cool. I mean, LOL, I just realized, as I said out loud, it was not cool. You know, it was a way to get out of class. It was a way to get out of class. We - that's what it was. In high school, we would take day trips to go to the fourth and sixth graders and tell them how cool it was to not do drugs. That's what it was.


SAGAL: I hope you blazed on the way over.

GLAZER: I'll tell you I was class president my junior and senior year, a class president who cut class to blaze, yes. That's the type of cool I am, which is very nerdy on top of cool. Yeah. I remember being like, what up? - to the principal, like, on my way out. And I was like, aye-aye-aye (ph).

SAGAL: Well, Ilana Glazer, it is a joy to talk to you, but we have asked you here to play a game we're calling...

KURTIS: You're Ilana Glazer. What do you know about these glazers - donuts?


SAGAL: Yeah, that's where we went with that.

GLAZER: Love it. Love it. Love it.

SAGAL: Your name made us think of donuts. To be honest, everything makes us think of donuts. So we're going to ask you three questions about donuts. Answer two right, you'll win our prize for one of our listeners - the voice of anyone they might choose on their voicemail. Bill, who is Ilana Glazer playing for?

KURTIS: Robert Goodman (ph) of Omaha, Neb.

SAGAL: All right, ready to do this?

GLAZER: Yes (laughter).

SAGAL: All right. Here's your first question. Donuts, as we know them today, were invented in New York, of course, but they originally had a different name. What were donuts called originally - A, rat collars; B, oily cakes; or C, sweet, sweet sugar holes?

GLAZER: Ew. All of those are disgusting.

SAGAL: Yeah.

GLAZER: I'm going to go with rat collars.

SAGAL: Rat collars?

GLAZER: (Laughter) I mean, OK, I'm going to stick with rat collars. I'm sure it's oily cakes, but the last one was sweet hole - what was it?

SAGAL: Sweet, sweet sugar holes.

GLAZER: I mean, so I got distracted, and I picked the first one.

SAGAL: I understand.

GLAZER: I'm sure it's oily cake. I'm going to stick with rat collars because I think it is hysterical and so New York.

SAGAL: I admire that about you. It was, in fact, oily cakes...


SAGAL: ...Which doesn't sound great, but it's better than rat collar.

BURKE: Oily cakes is a terrible pet name for your significant other.

SAGAL: That's true. All right.

GLAZER: Right.

SAGAL: Two more chances. Dunkin' Donuts - that's the Boston-based chain, most popular donut shop in the country. It's everywhere. Once upon a time, they had a gimmick, Dunkin' Donuts did. What was it - A, instead of coffee, you were supposed to be dunkin' those donuts in clam chowder; B, each donut came with a little handle to make dunkin' easier; or C, each employee in the original shop was named Duncan (ph)?

GLAZER: Oh, my God. These are all ridiculous. I guess nametags, Duncan.

ROBERTS: Let me just - so we're talking Boston, right, Peter?

SAGAL: Boston, yeah.

ROBERTS: Boston. So how many Duncans are in Boston, all right? How many...

GLAZER: Right.

ROBERTS: ...Good Irish boys are named Duncan?

GLAZER: Well, no, Roxanne. I thought it was that - it's, like, I'm working at Dunkin' Donuts. I get a nametag named Duncan...

SAGAL: Nametag.

GLAZER: ...Where I'm saying that's the cheapest version. You get a handle on a donut, that's not lasting. The first one is - what was the first one?

SAGAL: The first one was instead of coffee, like, to dunk in donuts, they were originally supposed to be dunked in clam chowder.

GLAZER: Oh, Jesus. No, no, it can't be that. You know, I'm going to stick to my guns. I said Duncan. There's a lot of Irish white guys in Boston. I'm sticking with C. I refuse to do the voicemail for Robert in Oklahoma. Clearly, I'm losing the game.

SAGAL: All right. So never mind. So, OK, so you're absolutely going to choose the fact that the gimmick at Dunkin' Donuts, at least at one point, was that everybody was named Duncan?

BURKE: It would be so great if it was right now. That would be totally amazing.

SAGAL: Well, it's not. But as we go on, this is becoming more like an episode of "Broad City," which I particularly am enjoying. So no. It was, in fact, a little handle. The handle was added to the mold, if you will. So imagine a round donut with a little thing coming off the side. They did this for a while. You held it. You dunked it in the coffee.

All right. There's still one more question here. You've probably heard of Voodoo Doughnuts. That's the wildly popular donut store in Portland, Ore. They've expanded. They're in Universal Studios now. But they got their rep originally by being the edgy donut shop, which they proved by selling which of these - A, hangover donut injected with NyQuil featuring a cup of even more NyQuil placed right in the hole...

GLAZER: Oh, my goodness.

SAGAL: ...B, a burger-nut, which was basically a deep fried ring of beef with frosting...

GLAZER: Oh, God.

SAGAL: ...Or C, a rusty razor donut which came with a tetanus shot?

GLAZER: Shut up. I mean, I guess B.

SAGAL: You're going to go for B, the burger-nut, so a deep-fried ring of ground beef covered with frosting at Voodoo Doughnuts?


SAGAL: No, that's not right.

GLAZER: Which one is it?

SAGAL: It was the NyQuil donut.


GLAZER: Girl, girl, girl, girl...

SAGAL: The idea was you'd go...

GLAZER: People be addicted to NyQuil. This is not responsible. No, I'm angry. That's irresponsible.


SAGAL: Bill, how did Ilana Glazer do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Ilana, you played a great game. We love you. Even though you didn't get any right, you deserve some prize for that.

SAGAL: (Laughter) Ilana Glazer is an actor, writer, comedian, one of the co-creators of "Broad City." Her new special, "Comedy On Earth," is available now on Comedy Central. Ilana Glazer, such a joy to actually talk to you in real life after admiring your fictional version on TV for so long. You are the best. Thank you so much for being with us.

GLAZER: Thanks. That was so much fun. It's such a pleasure. Thanks, everybody.


BURL IVES: (Singing) When you walk the streets, you will have no cares if you walk the lines and not the squares. As you go through life...

SAGAL: In just a minute, Bill heads to the final frontier in our Listener Limerick Challenge. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to join us on the air. We'll be back in a minute with more of WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME from NPR.


KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT, WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I'm Bill Kurtis. We're playing this week with Helen Hong, Adam Burke and Roxanne Roberts. And here, again, is your host, a man who would like to warn you that you might want to take the next elevator. It's Peter Sagal.


SAGAL: You weren't supposed to tell anyone about that, Bill, but thank you anyway. In just a minute, Bill visits the zoo to see the rhyme-nocerous (ph) in our Listener Limerick Challenge game. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924.

Right now, panel, it's time for some more questions from this week's news. Adam, the race for governor of Virginia between Democrat Terry McAuliffe and Republican Glenn Youngkin - he's a former private equity guy - it's getting tighter. It's a toss-up. So in order to win, McAuliffe, the Democrat, has had to call on what powerful interest group to rally to his side?

BURKE: Well, I'm proud to say - I'm not proud to say that I know nothing of the story - powerful interest group.


BURKE: Swifties (ph) - Taylor Swift fans.

SAGAL: You're exactly right, Adam.


BURKE: What? (Laughter).

HONG: What?

SAGAL: Was that a random guess? Because if so, it might be the greatest random guess in the history of this program.

HONG: No way. What?

KURTIS: We're floored.

HONG: Adam, are you lying?

BURKE: No. Unless I saw it and forgot about it, that's a complete guess.

HONG: What?

SAGAL: It is, in fact, Taylor Swift fans. Let me explain. Youngkin - or maybe you can explain, Adam. Go for it.


BURKE: Well, you know...

SAGAL: Come on.

BURKE: If he loses, he's going to shake it off.

HONG: (Laughter).

SAGAL: No. This is what happened. So Youngkin, like I said, was a private equity guy. He ran the Carlyle Group, and that's the company that famously bought Taylor Swift's master recordings over her objections, forcing her to rerecord all of them. So McAuliffe's campaign has taken out ads on Facebook and elsewhere targeting Virginia's community of Swift Americans...


SAGAL: ...And telling them that the state might one day be ruled by a man who made Taylor mad.

HONG: Oh, you know what? This would mobilize me to vote.

SAGAL: Well, and we might be - political analysts have now switched the race from, quote, "toss-up" to, quote, "Republican candidate likely to be torn apart by enraged 24-year-olds."


BURKE: And when they when they tear him, apart, he's never, ever going to get back together.

HONG: Never, never, never, ever, ever, never.

SAGAL: Helen, customs officials at O'Hare Airport are confiscating multiple packages arriving from overseas containing fake vaccine cards. How did officials know the vaccine cards were fake?

HONG: First thing that comes to mind is there's a misspelling in it.

SAGAL: Yes. That's exactly right.



SAGAL: They were just generally terrible. Customs officials shared a photo of one of the counterfeit vaccine cards. It had nine typos on it...

HONG: What?

SAGAL: ...Including four different misspellings of the word COVID.

HONG: Oh, how do you misspell COVID? COVEED (ph).

SAGAL: How do you - I mean, further, it's, like, a five-letter word. How do you misspell it four different ways? Well, remember. COVID is capitalized, so there's COVID without an I. Then there's an uncapitalized C. There's C-O-V not in capitals, the I-D in capitals, coviD with a capital D at the end and finally - finally - COVLID (ph).

HONG: (Laughter) That's - so some of them are like, COVEED.


HONG: And some of them are COVID-D-D-D-D (ph).

SAGAL: How could it be that hard to make a fake COVID card? You just find a piece of cardboard too big to fit in any normal wallet, and you're set.


SAGAL: Adam, a North Carolina woman is recovering after being hospitalized with a severe what?

BURKE: Need to dance?

SAGAL: (Laughter, singing) Got to dance. No, I'll give you a hint. It was clearly of the atomic variety. Thankfully, there were no noogies or swirlies (ph) involved.

BURKE: Was it a - did someone give her a wedgie?



SAGAL: It was a wedgie that put her in the hospital. This woman donned short shorts, really short shorts, for a night out, high cut on the weight (ph), high cut on the thighs. And the shorts caused her such a wedgie that she got sepsis and wound up in the ICU for four days.

HONG: Can you imagine, like - why? Oh, my God. You had to go to the hospital for four days. Why? Oh, you know.

SAGAL: Yeah. What do you tell people? Oh, yeah. Carol's (ph) in the hospital. She's going to be fine. Well, what is it? Is it COVID? Is it - what? It's like, short shorts.

BURKE: Oh, is that with the kids mean when they're like, oh, those pants are sick? They mean...

SAGAL: Yeah. That's exactly what they mean.

HONG: Wait. This woman's shorts were so tight...

BURKE: How tight were they?

HONG: ...(Laughter) In such a way that it caused sepsis?

SAGAL: Yes. This is all on BuzzFeed. BuzzFeed says that she is totally fine, not to worry about it. She just wants to let everybody know about the danger of short shorts. Death is just one of the many reasons to stay away from them, along with legs getting stuck to seats and no place for your phone in your pocket.


JAMES BROWN: One, two, three. Ah.

SAGAL: Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the Contact Us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. For more WAIT WAIT... in your day, follow us on @waitwait on Twitter and @waitwaitnpr on Instagram. If you don't follow us, Bill will shut down Facebook again.

KURTIS: Nothing will stop me from hacking.


SAGAL: Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME!

ALLIE: Hi, this is Allie (ph). I'm calling from Mountain View, Calif.

SAGAL: Mountain View - that, of course, is in the Silicon Valley area. What do you do there?

ALLIE: I actually do not work in tech. I'm an occupational therapist at a hospital, although I've got to say I've never seen anyone hospitalized with a wedgie before.

SAGAL: Well, just keep going to work, and one day.

HONG: But that's where Google is based, so you must have.


SAGAL: Actually, what they're all about is having vengeance on the people who gave them wedgies.

ALLIE: Oh, definitely (laughter).

SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Allie. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you will be a winner. Ready to play?


SAGAL: All right. Let's do it, then. Here is your first limerick.

KURTIS: On the red light I cross, it is tres (ph) shocking. Now when cops try to stop me, it's stray-talking. When cars can't be seen, I don't wait for the green as I can't be arrested for...

ALLIE: Jaywalking.

SAGAL: Yes, exactly.


SAGAL: California is about to pass a law decriminalizing jaywalking. It's a big change for the state. Under current law in LA, not only is it illegal to cross in the middle of the block, but drivers are allowed to run you over if they are late for an audition.


HONG: As a native New Yorker who moved to LA, I know a lot of native New Yorkers who moved here who have gotten jaywalking tickets and were like, what?

BURKE: I don't believe in conspiracy theories, but - especially around population control. But if I did, legalizing marijuana and then legalizing walking in the middle of the road whenever you want to sounds like a possible way to accomplish that.

HONG: I think there's definitely a "Hunger Games" element to, like, limiting the population in LA because you - like, having lived here for long enough, I know why that law exists, is that cars will run you over.

SAGAL: Yes. The law will make it legal for pedestrians to cross the street not at the corner against the light if there are no cars around. And Los Angeles residents responded, this no cars around, is that, like, English? What does that mean?


SAGAL: Here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: A bobbed haircut with fake nails she's pairin'. And all neighbors and kids she is scarin'. Entitled and white, she will give you a fright. My costume this year will be...

ALLIE: Karen.

SAGAL: Karen, yes.


SAGAL: A Halloween costume company has unveiled their scariest costume yet, the Karen. It's sort of a bouffant-style wig with blonde highlights that you accessorize with a pair of sunglasses and a sense of entitlement. As soon as you purchase this outfit, it immediately calls the police on the "Black Panther" costume.


HONG: There is something about that haircut. It's that "Jon & Kate Plus 8" haircut...

SAGAL: Oh, yeah.

HONG: ...That just brings out some entitled horribleness in white women.

BURKE: Now it's turned into "Jon & Kate Plus Hate."


SAGAL: Here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: The helm is Bill Shatner's true place. And this final frontier states his case. Once more, Captain Kirk is flying to work. William Shatner is headed to...

ALLIE: Space.

SAGAL: Yes, space.


SAGAL: After spending over 60 years pretending to go to space, William Shatner will finally boldly go where no one has gone before. Actually, 562 people have gone there before - well, 561 and Jeff Bezos. Shatner will be the next guest on Bezos's Blue Origin spacecraft, spending 11 minutes in space. This means that he will achieve something that his "Star Trek" co-stars have dreamed about since the '60s - getting William Shatner off the face of the Earth.

KURTIS: (Laughter) My favorite part of this story was - did you see what Shatner tweeted to confirm it was true?

SAGAL: What did he say?

BURKE: He goes, yes, it's real. I'm going to be a "Rocket Man," because he covered that song...

SAGAL: Famously.

BURKE: And it's like, oh, that's the cultural touchstone you think we all associate with you going to space, you lunatic?

SAGAL: And yet, Adam, you and I and the rest of the world instantly knew what he was talking about.

BURKE: (Laughter) That is true.

SAGAL: And he also - this is interesting. He will be the oldest person ever to go to space, which means that he will orbit the Earth twice with the left turn signal on the whole way around.


SAGAL: Bill, how did Allie do on our quiz?

KURTIS: She's a genius. She got them all right, Sally (ph).

SAGAL: Congratulations, Allie.

ALLIE: Thank you guys so much.

SAGAL: Thank you. It was fun to have you. Take care.

KURTIS: Thanks, Allie.

ALLIE: Thanks. Bye, guys.

SAGAL: Bye-bye.


ELTON JOHN: (Singing) And I think it's going to be a long, long time till touchdown brings me 'round again to find I'm not the man they think I am at home. Oh, no, no, no. I'm a rocket man.

SAGAL: Now on to our final game, Lightning Fill In The Blank. Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many fill-in-the-blank questions as they can, each correct answer now worth two points. Bill, can you give us the scores?

KURTIS: Rox has two. Helen has two. Adam has four. Oh, my goodness.


SAGAL: So Rox and Helen are tied. Rox, why don't you go first? The clock will start when I begin your first question. Fill in the blank. On Thursday, Mitch McConnell and the GOP agreed to a deal to raise the blank until December.

ROBERTS: The debt ceiling.



SAGAL: But it may not work anyway. On Monday, members of the union of Hollywood stagehands and crew voted overwhelmingly to authorize a blank.

ROBERTS: Strike.



SAGAL: This week, the White House announced plans to buy $1 billion worth of at-home blank tests.

ROBERTS: Coronavirus tests.

SAGAL: Yeah, COVID tests.


SAGAL: On Thursday, 18 former NBA players were charged in a conspiracy to commit blank fraud.

ROBERTS: Benefits fraud.

SAGAL: Yeah, health care benefits fraud.


SAGAL: This week, a man in Louisiana being interviewed about how he would spend the $700 million Powerball jackpot said he would buy blank.


SAGAL: No. Quote, "a supercharged Mustang and about five kilos of cocaine."


SAGAL: Good luck, sir. You deserve it.


SAGAL: On Tuesday, three scientists working on climate change won the blank prize in physics.

ROBERTS: Nobel Prize.

SAGAL: Right.


SAGAL: On Wednesday, amateur investigators claim to have IDed the blank killer.

ROBERTS: The Zodiac Killer.



SAGAL: A new investigation into a sudden power outage in the New York subway system found it was caused by blank.

ROBERTS: A clown.

SAGAL: No. The power outage was caused by a guy pressing a button labeled, emergency power off.


SAGAL: The power outage brought part of the subway system to a halt, stranded hundreds of passengers for hours. Apparently, an employee couldn't resist pressing that big, red button that says, emergency off. I mean, I get it.

ROBERTS: (Laughter) I missed it.

SAGAL: It's bound to happen again. Now the MTA has relabeled the button, tired of working? Press this.


SAGAL: Bill, how did Roxanne do on our quiz?

KURTIS: She had six right for 12 more points. She now has 14 and the lead.


SAGAL: Excellent. All right then. Helen, you are up next. Please fill in the blank. On Monday, officials warned of the long-lasting environmental impact of the massive blank off the coast of California.

HONG: Oil spill.



SAGAL: On Thursday, Pfizer asked the FDA to approve their blank for kids aged 5 up to 11.

HONG: Vaccine.



SAGAL: This week, a federal judge temporarily blocked blank's abortion ban.

HONG: Texas.

SAGAL: Yeah.


SAGAL: This week, a man in the U.K. was still found guilty of assault, even after he blanked in court.

HONG: Fainted.

SAGAL: No. Tried to perform a citizen's arrest on the judge.

KURTIS: (Laughter).

SAGAL: Thanks to losses from the pandemic, blank was not included in Forbes' list of richest Americans.

HONG: Trump.



SAGAL: On Tuesday, workers at all of blank's cereal plants went on strike.

HONG: Kellogg's.



SAGAL: This week, Andrew Lloyd Webber revealed...


SAGAL: ...That immediately after seeing the movie version of his musical "Cats," he blanked for the first time in his life.

HONG: Barfed.

SAGAL: No. He got a dog.


SAGAL: He says that he was so appalled by the movie, he immediately went out and got a dog for the first time in his life. And he is in his 70s, and - this is true. He then tried to fly with his dog, to whom he's become very close, as his emotional support animal. And the airline said, well, we'll need a medical reason, to which Webber responded, I'm Andrew Lloyd Webber, and I just saw the movie adaptation of "Cats."

HONG: (Laughter).

SAGAL: And the airline said, OK, no doctor's report required.


HONG: That's amazing.

SAGAL: Bill, how did Helen do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Well, she got five right for 10 more points. She now has 12, but Roxanne still leads with 14.


SAGAL: All right. How many, then, does Adam Burke need to win?

KURTIS: Five to tie, which means he needs six to win.

SAGAL: Got it. Here we go, Adam. This is for the game. On Thursday, the Senate Judiciary Committee issued a report detailing President Trump's attempts to overturn the blank.

BURKE: The 2020 election.



SAGAL: This week, the Perseverance rover confirmed the existence of an ancient lake on blank.

BURKE: Mars.



SAGAL: This week, the World Health Organization recommended the rollout of the first-ever blank vaccine.

BURKE: Taylor Swift.

SAGAL: No, malaria vaccine. According to a new poll released Wednesday, blank's approval rating dropped to a new low.

BURKE: Joe Biden.



SAGAL: Thanks to ongoing supply issues, major retailers like Walmart have hired their own blanks.

BURKE: Taylor Swifts.

SAGAL: No, container ships. After a win over the New England Patriots, blank became the fourth quarterback to beat all 32 NFL teams.

BURKE: Tom Brady.



SAGAL: Thanks to staffing shortages...


SAGAL: ...Parking meters in Cornwall, England, have stopped working because the meters are blank.

BURKE: Ariana Grande.

SAGAL: Because they are too full of money - according to officials, almost all of the parking meters in Cornwall are out of order because they are completely full, and, worse, they aren't expected to be emptied anytime soon. This is due to staffing issues at the company that runs the meters and also the city's decision to mint a new two-pound coin that actually weighs two pounds. Bill, did Adam do well enough to win, or did he go to the Taylor Swift well too many times?

KURTIS: Well, he got five right for 10 more points, which means he has 14, which means he, Roxanne and Taylor Swift are co-champions.


SAGAL: Yay. Taylor always wins.

Now, panel, what will be the next big show on Netflix? Adam Burke.

BURKE: Do you like Netflix dating shows? Enjoy their true crime shows? Well, you are going to love their hit combination of both, "How To Marry A Murderer."


SAGAL: Roxanne Roberts.

ROBERTS: "The Great Subpoena Race." Former administration officials travel the globe trying to evade Dog the Congressional Bounty Hunter.


SAGAL: And Helen Hong.

HONG: "The Great Kimchi Squid Off," where Korean mothers judge contestants dishes and systematically kill off their spirit.


KURTIS: And if any of that happens, we're going to ask you about it on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME!

SAGAL: Thank you, Bill Kurtis. Thanks also to Helen Hong, Adam Burke and Roxanne Roberts. Thanks to all of you for listening. I am Peter Sagal. And we will see you next week.


SAGAL: This is NPR. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.