Limericks

Mar 14, 2020
Originally published on March 14, 2020 11:27 am
Copyright 2020 NPR. To see more, visit https://www.npr.org.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the Contact Us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. There, you can find out about attending our weekly live shows back at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago. And if you want more WAIT WAIT... in your week and for some reason you're looking for fun you can have without leaving your home, check out the WAIT WAIT... quiz for your smart speaker. It's out every Wednesday with me and Bill asking you questions and then silently judging your responses.

Hi. You're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

ANDREW O’FARRELL: Hi, Peter. It's Andrew O’Farrell.

SAGAL: Hey, Andrew O’Farrell. How are you?

O’FARRELL: I'm great. How are you?

SAGAL: I'm pretty good. Where are you calling from?

O’FARRELL: Massapequa, N.Y.

SAGAL: Massapequa? I would never have been able to guess you were from Long Island.

HELEN HONG: (Laughter).

SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two the limericks, you're a winner. Ready to play?

O’FARRELL: Good.

SAGAL: Here is your first...

O’FARRELL: We're ready. And I got my two daughters, Julia (ph) and Katie (ph) here. They're...

SAGAL: Oh, really?

PETER GROSZ: Oh, nice.

SAGAL: Well, hold on. Can I say hello?

O’FARRELL: Sure.

UNIDENTIFIED CHILD #1: Hi.

SAGAL: Hi. So you're going to feed him the answers, and he'll tell us, right?

UNIDENTIFIED CHILD #1: You got it.

UNIDENTIFIED CHILD #2: Yeah.

SAGAL: All right. Well, let's do this. Here's your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: Gold chains are played out. They're for churls. But this oyster grit's cultured for earls. So don't call me reckless. I've donned a nice necklace. I'm wearing a rope of white...

UNIDENTIFIED CHILD #1: (Unintelligible). I don't know.

UNIDENTIFIED CHILD #2: Necklace.

O’FARRELL: Pearls? I have no idea.

SAGAL: You said pearls, right? Yes, it's pearls.

GROSZ: Yay.

SAGAL: Very good.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

KURTIS: It is pearls.

SAGAL: Yay. Did you figure that out or did your daughters figure that out?

O’FARRELL: I think my wife figured it out.

SAGAL: Oh, your wife, too. All right.

TOM BODETT: Got a ringer in there.

KURTIS: Yeah. That's a...

O’FARRELL: I'm bringing out all the horses here.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: That's (unintelligible).

SAGAL: Pearls are the new men's fashion trend, with stars like Harry Styles and A$AP Rocky hitting the town wearing pearl necklaces. It's a bold fashion statement that says to the ladies you're a rebel in the streets and asleep by 7 in the sheets.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: Yeah. I got a sick brooch that I like to wear...

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: ...Too, when I go out with my boys.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: If you're a man who's...

GROSZ: I got mad brooches.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: Yo, that's a fresh brooch, bro.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: Dear, my night sounds won't wake you no more. So now sleeping with me is no chore. Tiny volts have been flung at the base of my tongue. It gets zapped so I no longer...

O’FARRELL: Hung?

KURTIS: No.

SAGAL: No.

KURTIS: No.

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON: Snore.

O’FARRELL: Snore.

SAGAL: Snore. There we go.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

KURTIS: There we are - the whole group.

SAGAL: You can finally stop elbowing your snoring spouse thanks to Snoozeal, the new anti-snoring treatment that calmly and efficiently electrocutes your tongue.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Finally giving tongues exactly what they deserve.

BODETT: Oh, gah (ph).

SAGAL: These tiny electric shocks work by tightening up weak muscles in the tongue, giving it that slim hourglass shape.

HONG: Wait - it zaps you so you wake up?

SAGAL: No, it zaps your tongue so as to somehow prevent you from snoring.

BODETT: How does it work? I mean...

SAGAL: That...

BODETT: ...Are they implants? Does...

SAGAL: I don't know.

BODETT: Does your wife actually stick...

HONG: (Laughter).

BODETT: ...Something in your mouth? I mean, I think...

GROSZ: It's what you think is a giant, like, generator next to your bed with (unintelligible) you up.

BODETT: Well, I think she would enjoy that...

HONG: (Laughter).

BODETT: ...Actually.

SAGAL: Yeah. They keep doing it to you until you stop snoring or you start talking.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Other...

GROSZ: You know what it is? I think it's what - it's pretty simple. It's - they do that until you stop breathing.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSZ: And then snoring doesn't really affect you anymore.

HONG: 'Cause you're dead.

SAGAL: So the other methods for stopping snoring out there include losing weight, exercising or stopping drinking. So yeah, you're going to go with the electric shocks, aren't you?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: Off to work and I'm feeling like crap. With me gone, my poor cat cannot nap. I'll stuff pillows in pants, add some heated implants, I've created a substitute...

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON: Lamp?

O’FARRELL: Lamp?

SAGAL: Not lamp.

GROSZ: It's the only thing that you have when you're sitting down but you don't have when you're standing up. And your cat likes to...

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON: Lap.

SAGAL: Lap. Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

KURTIS: Lap it is.

SAGAL: There you go.

KURTIS: Lap it is.

SAGAL: A British couple's clingy cat named Ziggy would not stop snuggling on them. And instead of embracing the miracle of a cat that liked them...

BODETT: (Laughter).

SAGAL: ...They found some old pants and made a fake heated lap for it to sit on. Or we hope they made it and didn't just have a torso-less pair of legs lying around.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: They basically made an in-home, all-crotch scarecrow.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Somewhere in Oz, there's a guy with a new brain going, that's what I should have asked for.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Andrew do?

KURTIS: We're going to declare Andrew and company absolute winners.

SAGAL: Congratulations...

KURTIS: Three in a row.

SAGAL: ...Andrew and your entire family.

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON: Yay.

GROSZ: Woo.

SAGAL: Well done.

O’FARRELL: Thank you, Peter.

SAGAL: Bye-bye.

(SOUNDBITE OF THE BUDOS BAND'S "ADENIJI") Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.