Limericks

Dec 21, 2019
Originally published on December 21, 2019 12:40 pm
Copyright 2019 NPR. To see more, visit https://www.npr.org.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill in the Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the Contact Us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. There you can find out about attending our weekly live shows right here at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago. And if you want more WAIT WAIT in your week, check out the award-winning WAIT WAIT quiz for your smart speaker. We're not saying which award because we don't want to make this moment less impressive.

Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME.

MIA BUONAIUTO: Hi, this is Mia from Philadelphia.

SAGAL: Hey, Mia. How are things in Philly?

BUONAIUTO: Oh, beautiful, cold.

SAGAL: Yeah, well, that's what it's like there. What do you do there?

(LAUGHTER)

BUONAIUTO: I'm an artist, and I - in fact, two years ago, I kind of accidentally became a middle school English teacher. So I do that now.

SAGAL: Oh, my gosh. What a terrible accident.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: How did it happen? Did you fall into a classroom, and you couldn't get out?

BUONAIUTO: No, really vague Craigslist ad.

SAGAL: Really?

BUONAIUTO: Yeah.

ADAM BURKE: Did you just think it was, like, a real estate listing with a lot of roommates?

(LAUGHTER)

BUONAIUTO: That's so close, yeah. That's kind of what it was.

SAGAL: Well, Mia, welcome to the show. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in just two of the limericks, you'll be a winner. You ready to play?

BUONAIUTO: Absolutely.

SAGAL: Here is your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: Amazon thinks I'm a chumpster. They sold trash, and now I am a grumpster. When my box was unsealed, close inspection revealed, I bought items they found in a...

BUONAIUTO: Dumpster.

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Very good.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Hey, you're not a dumpster diver. You're a dumpster entrepreneur. Amazon is cracking down on people reselling items they have found in the garbage, cleaning them up and listing them on the Amazon marketplace. This explains why your supposedly brand-new Instant pot came with a family of raccoons.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The story was reported in The Wall Street Journal, who analyzed thousands of reviews of suspicious products. One review said their purchase was, quote, "unnaturally sticky."

BURKE: (Laughter) Well, would they have been happy if it was naturally sticky?

SAGAL: I think so.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right. Here is your next limerick.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: This brandy-soaked dough makes your boots shake. But don't eat it, or you'll have a tooth break. It's been on display since my great-grandma's day. It's an ancient and nutty old...

BUONAIUTO: Fruitcake.

SAGAL: What did you say?

BUONAIUTO: Fruitcake.

SAGAL: Fruitcake. Yes, Fruitcake.

KURTIS: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: A family in Michigan has a particular heirloom, 141-year-old fruitcake. It answers the question finally, what is worse than figgy pudding? One hundred and forty-one is very old for fruitcake. But right in the sweet spot for the Democratic presidential candidates, it's older than Joe Biden, but still younger than Bernie Sanders.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I just want to say this because we always bring - this always comes up - fruitcake, Christmas. Fruitcake is good.

MO ROCCA: Yes, it is.

SAGAL: Fruitcake is a delicious, big, treat...

ROCCA: It is.

SAGAL: ...That you should enjoy when possible.

BURKE: And it gets better with age.

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: So this one....

SAGAL: This one's looking spectacular.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: I wish the candidates debated about this.

SAGAL: I know.

BURKE: (Laughter).

SAGAL: It'd be more fun.

All right, Mia. Here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: With its new move to make the game stronger, Monopoly couldn't be wronger. The game's twice as endless, and we're twice as friendless. They've doubled the board. Now it's...

BUONAIUTO: Longer.

SAGAL: There you go.

KURTIS: Longer it is.

SAGAL: Longer it is.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Latest version of Monopoly is the worst one yet. It's called Monopoly Longest Game Ever. It's perfect for that family waiting 141 years to eat their fruitcake.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It costs only $20. It's specifically designed to take forever to play. The board is twice as big. There's only one die. And the only way to get out of jail is through a lengthy appeal process.

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: Can I suggest that they make another - if the game is going on too long, they make another game called the SEC that comes in and breaks up...

SAGAL: Breaks up the Monopoly, yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: When you think about it, Monopoly is so weird. Why would I want to pay rent recreationally?

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: For a - if it's a longer Monopoly, at least do they have the decency to make the little play pieces, like, a really sharp item that I can just, like, stab my hands...

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: ...Gouge my eyes out?

SAGAL: Bill, how did Mia do on our quiz?

KURTIS: She did a middle school perfect 3-0.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Mia. Well done. Thank you.

(APPLAUSE)

BUONAIUTO: Thank you.

SAGAL: Congratulations.

BUONAIUTO: Thank you.

SAGAL: Thanks for playing.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC) Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.