Limericks

Nov 23, 2019
Copyright 2019 NPR. To see more, visit https://www.npr.org.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924 - or click the contact us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. There you can find out about attending our weekly live shows right here at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago.

And if you want more WAIT WAIT in your week, check out the WAIT WAIT quiz for your smart speaker. It's out every Wednesday with me and Bill asking you questions all in the comfort of your home or wherever you have your smart speaker. It's just like this radio show, only now we can hear you, or we admit we can hear you.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Hi. You're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

KEVIN GALE: This is Kevin Gale from Minneapolis, Minn.

SAGAL: Hey. How are things in Minneapolis, my former home at one point?

GALE: Well, it snowed last Thursday, so not the best, not the worst.

SAGAL: You can't be surprised if you live there.

GALE: Every year (laughter).

SAGAL: Yeah, it happens. It just happens. What do you do there?

GALE: I'm actually a second-year medical student at the University of Minnesota.

SAGAL: Oh, that's great. You're a gopher doctor. And - well...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Not a doctor...

GALE: Well, not...

SAGAL: ...For gophers, but...

GALE: Not quite. Yeah.

SAGAL: Yeah, I know. What kind of medicine do you want to do?

GALE: I would say, is NPR looking for a house doctor?

SAGAL: (Laughter) You want to cater to the smug. OK.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Kevin. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you will be a winner. You ready to play?

GALE: Yes, sir.

SAGAL: All right. Here is your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: Against humans, a grudge I am nursing. 'Cause of you, all my monkey dates worsen. Ape ladies won't swipe for a Todd, Chad or Mike. I'm alone cause I look like a...

GALE: Can you say the rhyme words one more time?

SAGAL: He sure - he can say the whole thing one more time.

KURTIS: Against humans, a grudge I am nursing. 'Cause of you, all my monkey dates worsen. Ape ladies won't swipe for a Todd, Chad or Mike. I'm alone 'cause I look like a...

GALE: Person.

SAGAL: Yes, a person.

KURTIS: Person.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Very good.

(APPLAUSE)

KURTIS: Wow.

SAGAL: A monkey at a zoo in China has been single for 19 years because he looks too much like a person. Because as any person who's tried to get with a monkey knows, they are just not interested in us. Zookeepers say a monkey's person-like face has kept females from pairing with him. When you look at the pictures, it's true. He doesn't just look like a person; he looks like a person that hasn't gotten laid in 19 years.

(LAUGHTER)

ROXANNE ROBERTS: Sad monkey.

PAULA POUNDSTONE: How do...

SAGAL: Sad.

POUNDSTONE: ...They know that's why?

SAGAL: Well, they think that that's - obviously, the monkey is unsuccessful. They know this. And they think it's 'cause it looks too much like a person.

POUNDSTONE: Well, that's just a wild guess.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, if you see a picture of this monkey - and we have looked at a picture of him...

POUNDSTONE: Has he got, like, a tie and a suit coat on?

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Yeah. I did this - it's just a silly idea.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: And I'm sure he doesn't look that much like a human anyways.

JOEL KIM BOOSTER: No, he does. I've seen his picture. And he's got it, OK?

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Really?

SAGAL: Yeah.

BOOSTER: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: He looks like - what person does he look like?

(LAUGHTER)

BOOSTER: He looks sort of like a small Brad Pitt.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Kevin, here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: The old family card game that you know gets political when red or blue show. Neutrality warrants some purple or orange. We've made a nonpartisan...

GALE: Uno.

SAGAL: Yes. Very good.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: The new edition...

KURTIS: I've never heard of that game, and you got it.

SAGAL: The new edition of the family card game Uno does not include red or blue cards, and Mattel says it's to help families avoid political disagreements.

POUNDSTONE: Oh, my heavens.

SAGAL: Seriously, Mom? Draw four again. You're so part of the uno percent.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's weird, though. They don't want to be political, but the game still forces players to learn Spanish.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Mattel says the nonpartisan version will bring families together because, quote, "Without red or blue cards, the focus can stay on the game."

POUNDSTONE: That is so ridiculous.

SAGAL: Well...

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Are there families that can't go to the ocean?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: 'Cause it's blue?

POUNDSTONE: Yeah. Or on a beautiful day, they're like, don't look at the sky. We're Republican.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: It's absurd.

ROBERTS: Don't eat that apple. It's red, right?

POUNDSTONE: Right. Yeah, exactly. You know what?

SAGAL: What, Paula?

POUNDSTONE: Maybe that monkey is the one who had that Uno idea, and that's why it's not having sex.

SAGAL: Dumb idea.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: All right. Here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: They can see how I twitch when I'm dreaming. I sure hope that I don't wake up screaming. At a dollar a night, the hotel is priced right 'cause my room's on a feed that's live...

GALE: Streaming.

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Streaming, very good. A new hotel in Japan is offering guests the chance to stay for $1 a night. That's it. There's just one catch - you have to agree to be livestreamed for people to watch. Guests will be recorded for the duration of their stay, but the livestream will not record you in the bathroom, taking a shower. And you are not allowed to be filmed while being, quote, "intimate." And that was the sound of a million weirdos slamming shut their laptops.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: That is weird.

SAGAL: That is just a little weird.

BOOSTER: I don't know. I get it.

(LAUGHTER)

BOOSTER: I don't know. I think people do interesting - like, when I get a hotel, I always like to get two queen-size beds. And then the first 15 minutes, I decide which one will be the eating bed and which one will be the sleeping bed.

(LAUGHTER)

BOOSTER: And then I spend the rest of the night eating in the eating bed. And then sometimes, I'll even fall asleep in the eating bed. I'll be honest.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, then your plans go right out the window.

BOOSTER: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: Well, what you've described would make riveting viewing.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Kevin do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Kevin did very well. He got every single one right.

POUNDSTONE: Hey, nice job, Kevin.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Congratulations, Kevin.

GALE: Thank you. Thanks, Peter.

SAGAL: And good luck with the medical education.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "EVERY BREATH YOU TAKE")

THE POLICE: (Singing) Every breath you take with every move you make, every bond you break, every step you take, I'll be watching you. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.