Lightning Fill In The Blank

Mar 21, 2020
Originally published on April 17, 2020 5:35 pm
Copyright 2020 NPR. To see more, visit https://www.npr.org.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Now onto our final game, Lightning Fill In The Blank. Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many fill-in-the-blank questions as they can. Each correct answer is worth two points. Bill, can you give us the scores?

BILL KURTIS: Maz has five. Paula and Luke each have four.

SAGAL: Well, Paula and Luke are tied for second place. What do you say we let Paula go first this week because who cares? Ready, Paula?

KURTIS: (Laughter).

PAULA POUNDSTONE: I'm ready.

SAGAL: Here we go. Paula, the clock will start when I begin your first question. Fill in the blank. After three more primary wins on Tuesday, blank started receiving Secret Service protection.

POUNDSTONE: Joe Biden.

SAGAL: Right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: In retaliation for restrictions placed on their state-owned media, blank revoked the press credentials for several U.S. journalists.

POUNDSTONE: Was it China?

SAGAL: It was.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: This week, President Trump signed an executive order giving him the power to compel industries to produce much-needed blanks.

POUNDSTONE: Virus testing.

SAGAL: I'll give it to you - medical supplies.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: On Monday, WAIT WAIT guest host blank announced he had been discharged from the hospital.

POUNDSTONE: Tom Hanks.

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Though she was excited to win a goldfish as a prize...

(SOUNDBITE OF GONG)

SAGAL: ...Two years ago, a woman in Chicago is less excited that it blanked.

POUNDSTONE: Turned out to be a shark.

SAGAL: No. It grew to be a foot long and kept eating all her other fish.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Gerald the goldfish was just a few inches long when the woman brought him home, which is why she was concerned when just a month later, he'd become noticeably larger, unlike most goldfish, who after a month have just become noticeably dead.

POUNDSTONE: (Laughter).

SAGAL: Bill, how did Paula do on our quiz?

KURTIS: She got four right, eight more points - a total of 12 and the lead.

SAGAL: Round of applause.

(APPLAUSE)

POUNDSTONE: Thank you very much. This may be my last time.

SAGAL: Luke, you're up next. Fill in the blank. On Wednesday, the...

LUKE BURBANK: Peter, can I just - can I mention one thing quickly?

SAGAL: Yes.

BURBANK: Which is that I'm quarantined. I'm at home as we record this. I've gone a little crazy. I have not been following the news. But I do have my own bell.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

BURBANK: Am I allowed to award points to myself?

SAGAL: No, Luke. I had to think about it for a second, but...

BURBANK: All right.

SAGAL: No.

BURBANK: I have a sound of a...

(SOUNDBITE OF BUZZER)

BURBANK: ...A sound effect for that, too.

MAZ JOBRANI: (Laughter).

SAGAL: You can do that when you get it wrong. All right, Luke. You're up next.

BURBANK: All right.

SAGAL: Fill in the blank. On Wednesday, the Treasury Department announced they were extending the blank deadline by 90 days.

BURBANK: Tax.

SAGAL: Right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: On Sunday, the Fed announced it was cutting blank to almost 0%.

BURBANK: Interest rates.

SAGAL: Right. On Wednesday...

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: ...The blank briefly erased all gains made during the Trump administration.

BURBANK: The Dow.

SAGAL: Yeah, the stock exchange.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Citing health concerns, the U.S. announced it would suspend the 2020 blank by a week.

BURBANK: The census.

SAGAL: Right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: After a family in England complained that the $400,000 house they had purchased was a, quote, "death trap," the property management company sent them blank as an apology.

BURBANK: A set of coffins.

SAGAL: No, they sent a hot tub...

BURBANK: (Laughter).

SAGAL: ...As an apology. To deal with a surge in online shopping, blank announced plans to hire a hundred thousand new workers.

BURBANK: Amazon.

SAGAL: Right. On Thursday...

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: ...Elon Musk's private space company blank lost a Falcon 9 rocket during landing.

BURBANK: SpaceX.

SAGAL: Right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Police in Florida have issued a wanted poster for a fugitive...

(SOUNDBITE OF GONG)

SAGAL: ...That's been avoiding capture for over a month, asking citizens to be on the lookout for blank.

BURBANK: A flamingo.

SAGAL: A cow. The female brown cow...

BURBANK: Oh, so close.

SAGAL: ...Has been on the lam for over a month. It's constantly being spotted near the highway, and people are concerned she may cause an accident. When asked why officers have been unable to apprehend her, the police described the cow - and this is completely true - as, quote, "faster than she looks."

BURBANK: (Laughter).

SAGAL: Bill, how did Luke do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Good - six right, 12 more points, total of 16. He takes the lead.

SAGAL: All right, Bill. How many does Maz need to win?

KURTIS: He needs six to win.

SAGAL: All right, Maz. This is for the game. Fill in the blank. On Monday, the DOJ announced plans to drop charges against two Russian companies central to the blank report.

JOBRANI: Mueller.

SAGAL: Right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: On Tuesday, leaders of 26 countries that made up the blank announced they were temporarily closing their borders.

JOBRANI: European Union.

SAGAL: Right. This week...

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: ...Mario Diaz-Balart and Ben McAdams became the first members of Congress to test positive for blank.

JOBRANI: Coronavirus.

SAGAL: Right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: CCTV footage of a mass prison break in Brazil showed 400 minimum security prisoners leaving the prison while a guard blanked.

JOBRANI: While a guard peed.

SAGAL: No. He yelled, come back on Monday, OK?

JOBRANI: (Laughter).

SAGAL: Out of an abundance of caution, the Vatican closed blank celebrations to the public.

JOBRANI: The blank - so Easter.

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: On Sunday, Bill Gates announced he was leaving the board of blank.

JOBRANI: Microsoft.

SAGAL: Right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: A ballet school in Washington who caught an employee embezzling...

(SOUNDBITE OF GONG)

SAGAL: ...Over a million dollars said they probably should have seen it coming because blank.

JOBRANI: A ballet school in Washington - there was a - the guy embezzled over a million dollars.

SAGAL: Yes. And they should've seen it coming because blank.

POUNDSTONE: (Laughter).

JOBRANI: Because...

POUNDSTONE: Because she was wearing some really nice tutus.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: Because she did - hadn't come to work in a long time.

SAGAL: No - because she had just gotten out of jail for embezzlement.

JOBRANI: Aw.

SAGAL: Not only had the employee gone to prison for stealing $800,000 from her prior employer - the ballet knew about it, probably from that routine interview question, so tell me about a time you embezzled from a previous employer. Bill, did Maz do well enough to win?

KURTIS: Well, he got five right, 10 more points - 15, just one short of Luke, who is our winner this week.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Luke. I'm only sorry there's nobody here to clap.

BURBANK: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE SOUND EFFECT)

BURBANK: I brought my own applause, and I'm enjoying every second of it. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.